My Story
Hello, my name is Jenn and I'm a food addict.
I'm not really sure how this unhealthy relationship with food started, but it has been a lifelong battle. I believe my parents overfed me as a baby because they were afraid I wasn't eating enough, and their fears soon passed on to me. Some of my earliest memories are of my pediatrician telling my parents I needed to lose weight and to buy me toys as a reward when I did. Of being scolded in front of others when I tried to eat something I shouldn't. Of hiding my eating from my family because I was so ashamed of what they would say if they saw me. My weight has been up and down all my iife. I would win the battle for a few years at the most, at the least a few months before the weight crept back on again. It was always the same: get gungho about a new diet, lose some weight, get sick of the diet and gain all the weight back plus more. Every failure made me feel less and less hopeful that I would ever succeed and win my family's approval. Every conversation with my father somehow went to my weight and every time I hung up the phone I felt worse than ever. I even had a coworker ask me once, "What happened to that diet you were on? You look heavier than when you first started." I felt defined by the numbers on the scale and on my jeans, not what was inside.
Food was my main source of comfort, even though it always caused me so much pain and embarrassment. Any time I had any stress in my life, it was off to the fridge or the nearest fast food restaurant for 10 minutes of happiness and an entire day of shame and guilt. The bigger the problem, the more weight I gained. The death of my mother, my stepmother's suicide, my abusive relationship with my ex boyfriend, all reasons to eat and eat and eat. The more I ate, the worse I felt. The worse I felt, the more I ate. I was trapped in a vicious cycle I couldn't escape from. I didn't feel human anymore. I felt constantly empty, physically and emotionally. I just wanted to be invisible, and for the most part I got my wish. I had few friends, if any, and men wouldn't look twice at me. My fat was like a wall separating me from everyone else, and I guess subconsciously I wanted it that way.
Besides the heavy emotional burden food put on me, I have physical problems stemming from my weight. My back hurts almost constantly, I can't stand for long periods because my knees and feet hurt, I have PCOS, acid reflux, and depression. Yet all that couldn't stop me from eating. My body was crying out for me to stop and I didn't listen.
I met my fiance in August of 2009 and while it has been a very happy time for me, my weight has suffered because of it. He is obese too and we often fueled each other's bad eating habits. Meeting him made me realize that I want to be around to have a life with him and I knew I had to do something I hadn't done before. I decided to look into the Lap Band, and on March 14th I had the procedure. The physical recovery is coming along well but I know my emotional recovery will take much longer. I'm hoping that sharing my feelings here will help. Every day without my drug of choice is a struggle...but now I realize it's not only a struggle for my self esteem, but for my health and my life. Let the battle begin!
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