I've been thinking of weight loss surgery for years. No one knows I've been thinking of it. I am just so tired of lauging at hearing little ones say "your fat!" or not being able to cross my legs, or being afraid to sit between two people on the train for fear of squashing them! But mostly I am afraid that I won't be able to keep up with my 2 year old boy. My feet ache, my knees ache, my breathing is labored when I run up the stairs. I find it hard to sit on the floor and play with him. I find it hard to get up after sitting on the floor to play with him.

I also have 2 teenagers. It's always been my fear that they would be embarrassed of me. They might be. I don't ask. They don't tell. But I wonder.

My husband is my rock. I love him like no other. But he's never been able to carry me over the threshold. He told me once that it was a dream of his to be able to carry me. Boy did those words hurt me. As romantic as they were and has sweet as he is to say he wants to carry me, it hurts that at 260 pounds, that is not a reality.

So I did it. I started looking sites like Lap Band Talk and found my home. I knew this was right for me, especially after reading about other WLS. Non invasive (5 incision with laproscopic surgery, I can do that) and reversable if for some reason it was not for me. I looked in secret. I closed the window or hid it if someone came in the room. I was terrified to tell my husband. He's thin. He probably carries at most 20 pounds more than he should. He was an avid body builder in his early days so those 20 pounds sit on his mind very heavily. But he knows he can work out and change his diet for a few months and drop them. He puts a goal, I'm going to start losing for summer. And he does. I do with him, but of course I can lose 100+ by summer. So when he's done dieting, he wants to go out to eat, go to this restarurant, try that one etc. He's been deprving and made his goal so can reward him self. But there I am, smiling at him, and on the inside crying. I didn't meet my goal. I didn't lose my 100+. But I can't deprive for the 2 + years it would take me to lose what I want. So I want to look at a way that I can eat less and not 'diet' for the rest of my life. But how do I tell him this?!

So I did it. I dropped the idea in his lap. In the dark. In bed so he couldn't see my face as I turned beet red from holding my breath. The expected questions came, why can't you do this yourself. Why can't you just diet and work out? So I responded, with all the research and stuff in my head "you're right, I should start working out". What? That is not what I was supposed to respond with. /sigh Another month goes by and I drop it into the conversation again. I think now he knows this is what I want even if I'm too nervous to actually say it. He says he'll support my decision! Yay!

Quickly before I could change my mind I booked an appointment at the Doctor's office for a seminar. Asked him to come. He said yes! I find out later he said yes because he doesn't want me to get surgery and thinks there might be something in the seminar he can use to talk me out of it. Turns out it does relieve his mind about it a bit. Not completely though. Mostly he's worried that I'll die from the surgery. He loves me and doesn't want to lose me. Ahhh!

Things happen pretty quickly after that. I make appointments. Turns out I have the "Cadillac" of insurance which makes things faster. BCBS of MA. Cool. Went to my Seminar on Sept. 28th, saw my regular doctor for labs a couple days later. Consult appointment with LBS Doctor on Oct. 29th, had to make an out of town trip in November, Sleep study Dec. 5th, Dec 22nd had appt with Nutritionist, Jan 6th had an appointment with the psychologist, Pre Op diet starts Jan. 15th, Pre Op testing Jan. 19th and Surgery on Jan 25! Four months start to finish. Only took that long due to my business trip, the holidays and surgery my husband had in middle of all that.

It is now Jan 14th. I am nearly to my surgery date. Will write more about each appointment as time allows.