As a new year starts I am sure we all have a wonderful list of things we think of as "New Years Resolutions"-- or whatever... I decided that I only have one this year- to drink more water every day... This should help with weight loss since it will cut out more sodas/teas and keep me feeling "full"... Obviously losing weight is a goal of mine for the year.... I will be re-evaluating my "to-do" list from the surgeons to get the ball rolling more on the lap-band situation.... I have another Support group to go to (which, If I can be honest.. yes it's nice to get out of the house- and sometimes I have to be "forced" to do so because my depression makes it hard for me to do to so.... but it really is kind of a joke- very few people there are actully post-op, most of them are like me- there as a required pre-op...) but anyways... on my to-do list-- another suport group, the exercise class, and then the $275 program fee and lap-band education class....Oh, and the hardest, quit smoking for good.

It is so frustrating to know that really, *I* am what's stopping me- if I could quit smoking, "cold turkey", then I would have months ago... but, I am doing what I can to get the quit smoking goal accomplished... and it shouldn't be too long...

Last year-year and a half I probably packed on 30-40 pounds.... WTF?! I cant even begin to express how sickened I am by this... I feel like such a effing loser... I dont even want to discuss how grossed out and disappointed I am- in myself... I know the last few months I really "let myself go"-- mostly because I've been thinking about getting a lap-band-- and to do so I had to actually GAIN like 10 pounds to have the BMI that I needed... but then I kept using "I'm getting a lap band" as my excuse-- saying things like "I have to enjoy this while I can, this time next year I wont be able to eat like this anymore" or "I wont be able to eat _____________ (fill in something I shouldnt have been eating to begin with!) after I get my lapband, so I might as well eat it now!"-- who does that?! I never realized that I had a food "Addiction" until recently-- and that is a sad sad realization to have....

Stress is also at an all-time-high... Decemeber 29th, 2010 my father died in my eyes. NO- he is not LITERALLY dead... but once again, he has shown to be be worthless, judgmental, and a hypocryt. He and his wife bought my daughter (used, but still good!) bunk beds for christmas, well I wasnt able to be home when they came and were going to put them up- so they were at my house when I wasnt there... Apparently my house isn't tiddy enough for them and my "Step mom" decided that I don't live up to her standards and wasn't talking to me... Didnt talk to me, except maybe 10 words all day Wednesday (the 29th, that's when we were doing our "family christmas")... Anyway- long story short, I got into a huge arguement with my sperm donor (aka father) about all of this and I completely blew up at him- seriously? how can you expect me, a single mother, who works 2 jobs, AND goes to college to keep my house up to THEIR standards? Oh, and by the way, my grandma, his mother- fell (3rd time in a month or so) so I've been at her house any time i could to clean her house, put up her decorations, do her nursing stuff (changing her dressings- she busted up her face pretty bad and has stiches), her yardwork, and her christmas shopping... YES- MY HOUSE IS A FREAKING MESS! But that's because HE decided that he wasnt happy here and moved away- leaving ME as the only one her to take care of his mother... He's always been worthless... the first time I brought home an "F" in school was in P.E. in middle school- the first year we had to "dress out" in the locker room- in front of all the girls who already made fun of me for being the fat girl- so no, I never "dressed out", and I failed... when he saw my report card- his response? He screamed at me and constantly told me how I was nothing but a "fat lazy nigger"--- excuse me for even using that "N word"- as I HATE that word and am no way what so ever a racist or anything... and yes, he called me that (and I am white..) He's an alcoholic, and will always put himself before others... when I told him I was hoping to get a lap band, his response? "well, if it will actually work for you, maybe then you'll finally be thin like your sister"--- WHO SAYS THAT?!

Well, I'm at work, so I cant give this blog the attention it deserves right now... but anyway... it's a new year, I feel every single pound that i've added the last 18 months or so... and actually- it's a good thing- it's a reminder to me that I need to get off my ass and actually start making the positive changes my life needs- with or without the lapband... it's just a tool-- I'm the one who is going to have to do the work- so I better start dress rehersal now, because there's less room for screw ups when the real deal is here! (when I actually am banded I mean)

Hope you all are off to a great year!