It has been over a year since I have visited this forum. The last time I was here all of the work I had put into getting through the long process was put on hold because my very enlarged thyroid had to be removed. I remember being in intense pain from the surgery and in a moment of extreme pain questioned my own sanity about thinking of going back under a knife for anything that wasn't required. This coupled with the fact my doctor wanted me to wait 6 weeks to heal from that surgery before considering getting banded. Since my insurance was changing at the end of the year and I wasn't sure if my new insurance would honor what I had done previously since my doctor did not work at one of their "Centers of Excellence" I just shelved the whole idea and tried (and fail) for the next year to do it the good old fashioned way with diet and exercise. I lost a couple lbs..gained em back...I tried to just chalk it all up and embrace my curves and fat (outside of the curves) saying I was fine just the way I was. But I still didnt feel fine about how I looked. I remember looking at pictures of myself after a girlfriend trip to Miami in June realizing my weight was starting to make me look old and tired. I never once pulled out my bathing suit and seriously felt like a fish out of water among all the young, slim and fit women walking the strip. But I tarried on...I had a good time, but I am sure the lack of fun was because I didnt feel "Miami confident" .

A couple of months ago, I got a call from the bariatric doctor to see if I was still interested in getting the surgery because he had moved to a hospital that was now included as one of the "Centers of Excellence". I made an appointment but never went and kinda shelved the idea.

Well events that happened within the last 24 - 48 hours kinda brought things home for me once again. I received a message from the doctor's office a week or so ago asking me if I wanted to reschedule, but with a myriad of other crap going on I didnt return the call. Once the dust settled around me and I was able to think clearly I realized this was something that I need to do...or at least TRY to do always believe if its God;s will it will be.

When I first began this journey I did it with a vigor despite the objections of my husband who threatened to divorce me if I went along with it. His fears did not quell me but I wanted his support and continued to revisit it with him hoping he would say yes. But that never happened. So my vow to honor my husband combined with memory of the pain from my thyroid and some of the mental stuff I was going through on the visits with the process (never felt bad about my weight until I started hearing "morbidly obese" once a month) made it easier to put it in the back of my mind. But being thinner, healthier, and feeling better about myself was still something I wanted and I knew this could be the ticket.

A coworker had lapband around this time last year and although her weight loss seems to be slow, her 55 lb weight loss makes her look healthier is nothing more. She admitted she wasnt exercising and doing everything she should be doing, but she also didnt look back with regret because she feels better which has always been a goal for me. Another co-worker had gastric bypass surgery and I have watched her shrink in the last 8-9 months, making me again long to be in the "club" but more than anything, I have come to realize the I have to really make this about me. I have to proceed without fear in order to get what I need to proceed to the next step in my life and if it means doing it without the support of my husband who I realize objects because of his own fears, so be it.

I have lived for others for far too long and it is time for me to be true to myself. So I called them back yesterday and made an appointment for January 3rd, as well as spoke to my counselor today since her clearance was also one of the last phases of my process. When I go on the 3rd, I am hoping they will be able to review what I have done, see I truly ready and take me through those final phases and give me a date. I will keep you posted.