Being fat is lonely. It wasn't enough to be publically tormented and laughed at throughout school, but the effects later on are painful. As a kid I was not hurt badly, but enough to add emotional scars. I was always the fat girl friend, the one anyone can talk with and hang out with, but never get close to. My friends never called me fat, but those backhanded comments like, "you'd be so pretty if you were skinny (or not so fat... yeah I got that one)". The laughter when sitting down on chairs, that used to creak and moan under my weight... it just killed me. I hated myself, eversince elementary school. I begged my parents to send me to a fat camp when I was in 3rd grade... they finally did the summer before 5th grade. I cried many times after school, just due to people talking about me behind my back. What? Like I didn't know I was fat?

I'm now 133 pounds lighter... but I still feel like people are staring at me, judging me, laughing at me. The only place I feel comfortable is at the hospital and at the gym. Students are more accepting of me now that I'm skinnier, but I'm still the largest person by far. Going out with them, means me and several girls in size 4 hang out... while they get hit on and I'm lonely in the corner. Some of my friends went out (and to be honest, I have to get up at 5:30 am and I couldn't go)... but the thought of being isolated brought back all my self-loathing feelings. I would have gone, but I would have been uncomfortable... especially since they get all dolled up in cute clothes that look good on them and I'm in frumpy jeans/T-shirt that try to cover up my flaws.

It's lonely in the sense of dating. It just doesn't happen, either because I write F*ck Off on my forehead or that my body is that repulsive (or that I convy my self-loathing without words). The guys that I'm attracted to DO NOT like large girls... I know that based on their previous girlfriends. I would never change myself for another person, but it's a shame that a guy I like isn't attracted to me physically... which you need that in addition to the personality component.

Sorry for the sad post. I just feel isolated, still... even though I do "fit" in society better. My perception still gets in the way of my happiness...

I know others can relate, but I just had to vent or share or whatever.Alyssa, sweetheart I can relate. We all can. No one gets to be as big as we are and does not know how it feels to be tormented and hurt and rejected. People always say, "When you lose weight, you are just a smaller version of the person you are right now, so love yourselve for the person you are right now, big or small." Well, that is true and great advice, but how do you love yourself now, when you never loved yourself...ever???!!! This is how, you step away from yourself and approach this as if you were a friend of yours. Okay? So you are not Alyssa, you are a friend of Alyssa's. What are the things you love about Alyssa? Why is she your friend? What do you think is beautiful about? And so on... Sound corny? Beleive me, it works. I swear. It gets you to focus on something other than what YOU don't like about yourself and start to see what OTHERS do like about you. Now, regarding men, babe they have super sensitive radars to woman with low confidence. Some of them pray on that and are like preditors waiting for an easy mark. Others don't want to get involved because they don't want to hurt you. So, they stear clear. Let me say, some men are just plain intimidated by a tall, curvy Goddess. ( happens all the time to me...lol ) Nothing and I mean NOTHING, not perky big boobs, bootylisious beyonce booty, not legs for miles, is as sexy as a confident woman. So, don't beat yourself up. Take this time to learn yourself all over again. Learn to love yourself, care for yourself and respect yourself. If you do, he will too. If you don't, you will attract every doornob from here to East Jabip!!! Think about some therapy. It can (in a very short time) work miracles. Okay and my last thought....you are never alone. God loves you Alyssa and so do we. WE are here when ever you need. Just reach out....