What a crappy week ... There I said it. I've had a terrible week, in regards to my "husband", our fights, being sick, then being sick of what is going on. But I'm determined to make this next week and the ones to come so much better than the one I just had. In church last night the Pastor was talking about a women that was sexually abused by her father when she was a little girl. Well when she grew up she had so many issues because she couldnt let go of the whole situation. She harbored so much emotion and hatred toward him and the situation. She finally learned to forgive him through the workings of the Holy Spirit and when she told him she forgave him for everything he had done to her, she also asked for his forgiveness for all the hatred and other feelings she had towards him. Then the pastor said something so profound it really touched me. He said "Even though she will never trust him alone with her daughters, she forgave him" ... He even repeated it again. That line has been ringing through my mind ever since. She can forgive him but she doesnt have to put herself in his path of destruction. Even though she can forgive him, doesnt mean she has to be a victim of him. It was like a wake up call I guess for what I'm going through in my marriage. I can forgive but not be a victim. I can forgive him but not be in his path of destruction. I can protect myself by keeping a check of my feelings and my heart ... guarding my heart from his actions. I have control over that. I have control over my feelings!

Seeing that I have control over my feelings, then I guess I have control over SOMETHING right? So if I have control over something then I dont have to let everything go spiraling OUT of control. I can have control over my eats .. I can have control over what I put in my mouth and what I do with my body (exercise wise). So here is my new turn ... my new way of thinking. My new "resolve" if you will to not be a victim of anyone ... not even me. I feel like I need to have a plan of action. I am not entirely sure what this plan should look like or include ... probably my diet and exercise of course ... lol ... but besides that, I dont know. I just know that I'm done .... I'm done being a victim, I'm done being all flimsy with my feelings and letting someone else have control over my feelings and I'm done being this freakin heavy. I'm done being fat and I'm done feeling like I have no control over my body. This is my new turn ... a second, sixth, or fourteenth turn actually. But it is my new turn.