Though my banding wont happen until some time early next year (Jan or Feb) I have decided to use this time before hand as my "rehearsal dinner"- changing my eating habbits, re-evaluating my relationships (healthy and unhealthy ones) with those in my life, realizing that I AM worth a lot more than I've allowed myself to feel and be treated lately....

Last night was a "going away party" for a friend who is moving to Hawaii- because I had to be at work pretty early this morning (630am), I didnt do the whole "partying" thing with them- but I did join them for dinner at Carrabba's (Italian restaurant). I made pretty healthy decisions as far as what to eat-- Blackened Talapia, fresh green beans, and a ceaser salad. Sure, I ate basically everything, but it wasn't a huge bowl of pasta with a cream sauce! I tried to time my meal so that it took the recommended 20 minuts to eat- chewed each bite at least 30 times, etc... It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be lol! And, I don't really think I drank much while eating either- which is really a big deal for me, because I'm usually gulping down something! (Even if it's just water!) This morning for breakfast I had some string cheese and a chocolate-peanut butter protein shake- which is actually delicious! I will have something to eat at 1030ish (4 hours after breakfast)- and continue to try to follow the through with the right decisions and hopefully form that as a new habbit BEFORE I'm banded...

Now, the relationship part is a little tougher... my weight isn't 100% to blame on my relationship issues- it's self esteem issues in general, growing up with an alcoholic father, dealing with abandonment issues, parents who always cheated on each other- etc. So, obviously I've made a lot of bad decisions when it comes to who I've dated in the past- 95% of them were cheaters themselves, my ex husband is an alcoholic, etc... Yes, I'm lonely most of the time, yes I enjoy having someone show me affection, yes I probably settle for less than I deserve... Wait, scratch that- there is no "Probably" about it- I DO settle for less than I deserve, or at least-- I DID!

I was so desperate for someone's affection that I didn't take the time to be picky about WHO was giving it to me... And sadly, those people are still in my life. Making an apperance when THEY want to- not when I want them to (well, I always want them to, but you know what I mean!) So quick to say yes when they ask if they can come over, so quick to letting them in to hang out and watch a movie- KNOWING what the out come will be later-- so quick to forget the anger I have towards them, the resentment, the pain... all for what? A night of forgetting about my loneliness, only to feel even more lonely when I don't get a phone call the day after, or even the week after? That's ludacris!!!!

So as part of the "new me" that I'm working hard to create, even before I get a lap-band, I WILL NOT put up with it anymore... I will not be someone's option when I've made them my priority for so long- they are now just my option- and honestly, they aren't even my best option! I'm going to learn to be conent with what I already have in my life, I'm going to learn how to take care of myself- physically and emotionally- because once I can do that, then there are no excuses for someone else not to take care of me in those same ways!!! No more using me, no more making me question myself when it's been them doing the wrongs, no more thinking "well, I guess this is all that I deserve"-- SCREW THAT! Even being fat I know that I deserve to have someone in my life to look at me and think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world, I deserve someone who is going to be open and HONEST with me, someone who is going to be loyal, and someone who is going to treat me the same way I've been treating others!

I took the first step last night- "he" came to dinner last night, and normally he would have come home with me, watched a movie or whatever, and well, I don't have to spell it out... but when he hugged me goodbye, I turned my face so he couldn't kiss me goodbye, got into my car quick enough that he couldnt even have the chance to invite me over or ask if he could come over- and when he sent a text a few minutes later (of course saying BS like "you should have come over for dessert"--- gag me!!!) I sent back- "Sorry- I'm learning to be selfish and putting myself first- satisfying you is not on my to-do list... you can be my FRIEND- and that's exactly how you will be treated"

I am finding "myself"- the girl that I've always been, but let others push into the corner... I am going to have moments of weakness, sure- we all do right? But I will have the courage to pick myself up and give it another try every time I fall!

:clap: