I cant tell if thats where I am at right now .. either a slow go or a no go. I feel like I'm at a no go. I know I'm eating less, somewhat better quality of foods ... Just have not done a SparkPeople/Fitday calculations for my eats. I guess I'm too lazy for that ... probably not a good combo for having a LapBand. I just feel completely and utterly TIRED of everything that is going on. I know I am partly depressed because of whats happening in my personal life, exhausted of the go around and waiting and hostility and everything else associated with this crap. I just want it over with. You would think that with everything I am not in control of I would want some type of control over my foods and exercise ... its like its the opposite though. If I cant have control of one then forget having control of any of it. Like I'm giving completely up .. I know its not good. I know its not healthy, physically, mentally, or emotionally. The past three days have just been a living hell pretty much in my marriage (If you have read any of my other blogs you know what I'm talking about). we have just been constantly fighting and everything just seems to be spiraling down like crazy. Its hard right now to look up to God, I dont blame him. I dont hate him for what is going on. I know that God is in control, I just dont like the road. God never said we would be completely happy with what he gives us. I guess I'm in a funk .. I need out. I Just cant wait to get to my parents for Christmas and get away from the negativity here. It really is wearing me down, feels like its beating me down actually ...

So I have my second fill on the 16th. I doubt she will be very liberal with it ... infact she will probably be very conservative, probably 1ml again. That will do nothing for me .. It did nothing last time. I'm able to eat whatever I want. I need restriction to help me ... I need peace, I need positivity.