OK, there could be a lot of judgments made about me because of what I'm about to post- and to be honest, sure- I could be questioned about my morals and all that- but it's all a part of MY past- and things that I have to live with on a daily basis- and I feel comfortable enough to post them here to share with you all-- so, please leave your judgments at the door and take this for what it really is--

I saw my therapist yesterday (not the one for the lapband, but I see one monthly--for me I found it helps to unload my issues on a stranger and get someone's opinion or advice from someone I dont have to look in the face every day lol!) So anyway- she is supportive of my lap-band decision 100%. I was talking to her about my fears yesterday, concerning my lapband and the changes that will be made with my body. As I told her, I think I've somewhat been hiding behind my fat- as if it's almost been my escape goat to blame everything on- What happens when it's gone? Are there still going to be things I do that I feel that I shouldnt really do- and if so, what is going to happen when I cant blame it on being fat?

Example- when I was a little younger (I'm 27 now, and I'm talking about being like 21, so not that far away, but I still feel i've grown up since then!) I would go out drinking with the girls, and if someone would show me attention, it's almost as if I did things I probably shouldnt have- and I think my mentality then was, "I'm fat, if I dont give him sex then he wouldnt show me the time of day or like me"-- ok, obviously me being fat wasnt 100% of the reason of it all, I have other issues lol... but I am smarter now, and know that if I wouldnt have given him sex or whatever it was (making out, blah blah blah) then he would have found someone else who WOULD have- and it still would have been the same situation- even if I had been skinny back then--Those werent the best guys in the world- and because I felt as though I wasnt worth being treated better- because I was fat- I did things and settled for way less than I deserved.... So now, my fear is- when I DO get banded and take better care of my body, will I take as much care of my mental health? Will I remember to feel as though I AM worth the work? Or will I all of a sudden enjoy all the new attention, and rush out to share that? I would like to think that I am WAY more in control of my mental self and KNOW that I am worth better than I've been treated in the past- and all of that, but I still fear that I will some how have issues with it all... I am a mother now, and I wasn't then, and that has been the biggest influence in my life, so I know that as long as I keep her in mind, I will make the right decisions....

Changing my apperance isnt just going to affect just that- I will definitely affect every part of who I am, and I just hope that I am as ready as I think I am!