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Fears...

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RyanTheGirl

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OK, there could be a lot of judgments made about me because of what I'm about to post- and to be honest, sure- I could be questioned about my morals and all that- but it's all a part of MY past- and things that I have to live with on a daily basis- and I feel comfortable enough to post them here to share with you all-- so, please leave your judgments at the door and take this for what it really is--

I saw my therapist yesterday (not the one for the lapband, but I see one monthly--for me I found it helps to unload my issues on a stranger and get someone's opinion or advice from someone I dont have to look in the face every day lol!) So anyway- she is supportive of my lap-band decision 100%. I was talking to her about my fears yesterday, concerning my lapband and the changes that will be made with my body. As I told her, I think I've somewhat been hiding behind my fat- as if it's almost been my escape goat to blame everything on- What happens when it's gone? Are there still going to be things I do that I feel that I shouldnt really do- and if so, what is going to happen when I cant blame it on being fat?

Example- when I was a little younger (I'm 27 now, and I'm talking about being like 21, so not that far away, but I still feel i've grown up since then!) I would go out drinking with the girls, and if someone would show me attention, it's almost as if I did things I probably shouldnt have- and I think my mentality then was, "I'm fat, if I dont give him sex then he wouldnt show me the time of day or like me"-- ok, obviously me being fat wasnt 100% of the reason of it all, I have other issues lol... but I am smarter now, and know that if I wouldnt have given him sex or whatever it was (making out, blah blah blah) then he would have found someone else who WOULD have- and it still would have been the same situation- even if I had been skinny back then--Those werent the best guys in the world- and because I felt as though I wasnt worth being treated better- because I was fat- I did things and settled for way less than I deserved.... So now, my fear is- when I DO get banded and take better care of my body, will I take as much care of my mental health? Will I remember to feel as though I AM worth the work? Or will I all of a sudden enjoy all the new attention, and rush out to share that? I would like to think that I am WAY more in control of my mental self and KNOW that I am worth better than I've been treated in the past- and all of that, but I still fear that I will some how have issues with it all... I am a mother now, and I wasn't then, and that has been the biggest influence in my life, so I know that as long as I keep her in mind, I will make the right decisions....

Changing my apperance isnt just going to affect just that- I will definitely affect every part of who I am, and I just hope that I am as ready as I think I am!

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One thing you need to do is make sure "mentally" you're ready for this procedure. You're definitely going to change, the fact that you are a mother is good and maybe it will affect decisions you will make down the road. You're human, and humans are NOT perfect. I've had friends who've had the bypass surgery done before and did they change....yes.....the attention they got was something they had always wanted, did they make wrong decisions...yes....SO!!!!! Life is a journey, there will be things that you will do that you may regret but take them as stepping stones on this journey and keep it moving. You seem to be the kind of person who doesn't care what someone would say anyway. Always remember, people's opinions are just like a**holes.............EVERYBODY HAS ONE.....LOL!!!! Just do you and be happy with what you want to do.... B)

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Ryanthegirl, I think a lot of us would be better off if we were able to have counseloring weekly or monthly. I applaud you for taking that step to help you identify areas to work on. I know being an emotional eater myself that I have had to really focus on my mental well being. As another reader stated in her blog...I am worth it! I have taken her words and started to use them in my morning reflection before I begin my day. You need to remember that you are worth it. I know I run from sun up to sun down for my family. However, I now make sure to take time for me. Most of us who are overweight can attribute it to being an emotional eater or a stress eater. It does requires us to constantly work at our mental well being so that we can stay focused. Good luck with your journey!

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