I couldn’t decide whether or not i was going to type this up. I soon came to the conclusion,if anyone knows how i feel it would be you guys...So here goes

I was banded November 06,2008. I weighed in at 356 i was 20 yrs old. I got down to 244,and as of today September 15,2010 i am at 280...Iv taken a few too many steps back...Where did i go wrong. I started having very bad acid reflux, my Dr put me on every med he could think of to get rid of it, and with no such luck, he wanted to remove all of the fluid in my band...That’s just the start of it all...There is an obvious reason as to why i needed a lap band.I was active in school,played softball,was in the marching band,VP of our high school FFA. But portion control was always my problem. I would go the whole day of school and never eat,but as soon as i was to get home,it was an after school snack,followed by dinner,usually two plates,and then after dinner snack time,which my dad,my sister and myself always looked forward to what treats my mom brought home.

So as you can see with my fluid all gone...well my portions increased..

Over time my dr has added my fluid back,and for a while now i would say its considerably tight. I have hard time eating anything. I try to start the morning with a protien shake,or some sort of low fat yogurt smoothie. I really dont ever seem to get hungry much more during the day,if i happen to between 4-5 i will have some sort of nut,or string cheese. I usually do dinner around 7,thats when my dad gets home from work. (Im living at home with my parents till my houses plumbing is fixed) I have such a hard time eating anything...i result in the bad stuff...ice cream,starbucks, or if i eat somthing and i realized im having no trouble with it at all...i find myself over eating...Ill pile it on the plate,where it takes my family 15 mins to consume their meals...im left holding on to it for hours..taking a bite walking away,checking my email,watching some tv..then i go right back in again..Why is this something i feel i cant control. I tell myself everytime."Danielle,your full throw it away,feed it to the dogs,JUST STOP EATING" I dont know what happend to my control..i dont know what happend to this person who wanted so much more out of life.The girl who would get up early in the mornings and go to the gym, who looked at herself in the mirror and was so excited at the changes that were occuring..now i look at myself and am disgusted that im almost back to where i started..I feel like a failure..my dad is the most awesome person in the world,he made it happen(my surgery) i feel like iv let him down. I could see the excitement in his eyes when i used to come home for visits and he see my progress..now i just feel like he looks at me as though iv thrown the towel in..Have i?

I used to say,i wanted to loose the weight to be healthy,be able to keep up with my friend.Go to the local ATV ranch(im from Tx its what we do) and ride 4wheelers without looking like a cow...Yea my health is #1..but lets be honest..i want to wear the cute Katydid tops,and rhinestone embellished miss me jeans.Iv slowly found myself going back into hiding like i did before, not wanting to go anywhere. I started dating a guy..who i of course thought i was in love with..First real boyfriend iv ever had..sure i had lots of guy friends..but this i thought was the real thing. He told me how he loved me for me,my personality,my love for others,animals...Well what a liar he was..He thought i WOULD be perfect for him if i wasnt FAT..yea those were his words.

So here i am its 1:38 am. I cant sleep,i lay down everynight mad at myself for the choices i made through out the day. I say prayers at night,ask for the strength to get back on track,make the right choices.

You would think my love of life,and the want to be this new person who can enjoy life to its fullest would out weigh the bad decision iv been making.

Ahhhh...well now after all that rambling..maybe someone can make sense of all this..if not..atleast iv been able to vent..i must say...it feels good to get this all out.