ms883's Journal

ms883 · September 30, 2006

I've waited 20 years for this, I don't know if I can wait another 2 weeks or not!

In 1985, I was the first woman promoted to the position of Senior Vice President with my former Wall Street employer. For 10 years, I had worked an average of 60 hours per week and no less than 6 days per week for this promotion. I moved when the company asked me to, so I moved four times in less than 6 years. I dedicated my life to my career, and it paid off. At this time I was a size 14-16 and continually fighting with my weight.

Each and every day I woke up with my constant companion, self-loathing. Why couldn't I stay on a diet. Why couldn't I shake those 20 pounds. Why did weight keep creeping on. I second guessed myself all of the time. At the same time, I was buried in work, eating at my desk, skipping meals if work called and foregoing any type of exercise.

To my surprise in 1986, I met a nice young man after being essentially dateless for years. We married about 1 year after meeting. Fast forward to 1987. Now, I've gained weight. My boss at the time, "suggested" that I lose weight - my weight was negatively effecting my career. Not the 60 hours and 6 days a week, but my weight. I spent a small fortune and traveled to Hilton Head, South Carolina, and spent almost 3 weeks at the Hilton Head Health Institute. I was taught portion control, how to pick wise foods, and exercised just about every waking moment. I had no complaints about the HHHI and I would enjoy returning. Six months later, I had lost 50 lbs, but I was not thin - Now I was a size 16.

Slowly my weight crept back. Then I got a new boss. For the first time in my adult career, I did not get along with my boss. That's never good for a subordinate - even at the Executive level. Try as I might, this man disparaged everything I did. Nothing was ever good enough. At year end, I was only 117% of my sales goal, and that was not good enough. He isolated me from others in the company, and soon, I was excluded from meetings and projects. In April, 1988 I was "demoted." Stripped of my responsibilities as a Senior VP and made an office manager. The demotion was very public and at the time of our annual corporate meeting. My boss stated that I lost my job because I was overweight. No other reason, just because I was over weight. I was replaced by a fat man.

By 1995, my marriage was over (my husband blamed me for being fat for losing my job - not that he worked, but it was still my fault my more than six-figure income shrank) and I never emotionally recovered from the very public demotion and humiliation I suffered. I stopped working, took all the money out of my 401K account, sued my former employer for sex-discrimination (won) and went to law school. I graduated from law school in 1999 and then passed the Nevada Bar Exam.

Law school was very sedentary. I used phen-fen to lose weight and now suffer with a heart valve problem. My weight fluxiated as I tried assorted dietary aids, but never I was never able to keep the weight off.

After law school, I married a wonderful man who loves me, even pudgie, and who would do anything for me. My weight kept creeping up. Now, I am simply fat.

Although I am an attorney, my husband and I are no means rich. Recently, we started our own practice and that drained any money we had. It’s expensive to buy the books, computers, copiers and other infrastructure needed to support a law firm. Advertising is our biggest monthly expense, after employee payroll. There are times w e don’t pay ourselves to guarantee that our employees are paid. We believe in our office and my skills as a litigator. Eventually, we’ll have a cash reserve, but things now are tight. We even sold our house and moved into a mobile home so that we could use our home’s equity to pay bills and to help finance our office. I thank God that I am married to a man who will be a partner in building a law firm and I am grateful for my husband because I could not do all of this work on our own. We’ll succeed, but now, money is tight.

About a year ago, I noticed that my heart was racing. I visited a local cardiologist who wanted to preform over $3,000.00 in tests. With a $1,000.00 deductible in our insurance, I did not immediately have the money for the tests. I did by the end of the year. I have a leaking heart valve, cardiac arrhythmia and an enlarged heart. After all the tests, my cardiologist agreed that my heart problems were directly related to my weight. He stated that I would be an excellent candidate for a lap band, but he does not endorse gastric bypass surgery, believing that it is too invasive. I started on a search for a surgeon to perform lap band surgery, and at the time, I did not even know what a lap band was.

I attended a local seminar in Las Vegas and learned the differences in weight loss surgery. I obtained surgeon references from my CCP and cardiologist. My insurance company, of course, refused to consider weight loss surgery unless I spent 2 years under the care of a physician trying to lose weight. I am 55 years old. I don’t have 2 more years of diet failure and self-loathing in me and I opted to self-pay for lap band surgery.

After reading an article about surgery and medical care provided for Americans in India, Europe and Thailand, I started an internet search for weight loss surgery outside of the U.S.. Perhaps I could save a few dollars and have a competent surgeon help me outside of the U.S.. I searched the web, researched and researched. Law school was very good at teaching me research skills. I kept researching physicians and hospitals and came upon Dr. Ariel Ortiz in Tijuana, Mexico. I never read a bad thing about him. My husband was skeptical about going to Tijuana for surgery. So was I. Tijuana? I continued to investigate Dr. Ortiz. I called physicians who provided testimonials on his web page. I researched those doctors to make sure they were legitimate physicians, not witch-doctors. I called Innamed, who makes the FDA approved U.S. lap band, and talked to them about Dr. Ortiz. I reviewed Dr. Ortiz’ CV. I traveled to Tijuana to meet Dr. Ortiz and upon meeting Dr. Ortiz, I knew my search for a surgeon, who could competently and economically help me with lap band surgery was over. I believe that I am blessed to have met Dr. Ortiz. Never in my life, have I been allowed an open invitation to question a physician about a surgical process. Dr. Ortiz offered me as much time as I needed to discuss my concerns, the surgery, his career and skills. I also learned that Dr. Ortiz proctored the prominent Las Vegas surgeon who performs lap band surgery and he proctored the surgical staff at my home town hospital in Newport Beach, CA.. I stopped searching and scheduled my surgery the very day I met Dr. Ortiz.

Originally, I was going to wait until year end, 2006, to have my surgery. After my meeting with Dr. Ortiz, I scheduled Friday, October 13th, 2006, for surgery. I don’t have to be superstitious about the date. I believe I have the premier surgeon performing my lap band surgery. Now, Friday the 13th, cannot come fast enough for me.

I worry that I will not pass the pre-op physical, or something else will go wrong and I won’t be able to have the surgery, so I haven’t told too many people about my surgery. I am going to burst with excitement and cannot wait to wake up after the surgery and know that I am turning the corner on my new life.

I truly am very lucky. I have a husband who adores me, a successful business and a premier surgeon. I don’t need anything else.

My goal: lose 150 lbs.

Realistic? I don’t know. My cardiologist believes I will lose at least 100 lbs. I keep reading about people who are my size (24/26) and now they are size 12/14. Is that really possible? Or is this a dream that I’ll wake up from. I just don’t want to live the rest of my life fat. I don’t want to take the elevator at the court because I’m packing an additional 100 lbs and can’t use the stairs. When I argue with another attorney, I don’t want the adjective "fat" used to describe me. I want to walk into a store and buy "normal" size clothes. I don’t want to wear a bikini, I don’t want to be in Playboy. I just want a life freed of fat. I don’t want to be defined by fat.