Early Wednesday morning and I am still awake as usual. I wake, therefore I write.

I weigh on Monday mornngs and otherwise avoid the scales because it would just make me crazy. This Monday morning I weighed 207. Things are still moving in the right direction.

Last night I gave a reading of my short stories and poetry at a local music and literature event that happens each summer. It's fun- I get feedback on my work and $100 for 45 minutes of reading. A friend of mine took a picture of me last night and showed it to me today. There is less of me than there was, though I still look pretty soft and spongy. I wondered if it is really possible that I shall eventually dig myself out of all this too, too solid flesh and if a thin person might actually emerge in time. It won't be the same person that emerged the last time I lost weight- for one thing I am six years older and even in the normal course of events, certain parts of me would be heading south by now. I'm a bit afraid I might wake up one morning and discover I am a thin person hiding inside a fat person's skin, and I don't have the financial resources to have a lot of excess skin sculpted away.

On the positive side, I don't have a lot of stretch marks to indicate damage and I didn't have a lot of loose skin the last time I lost a significant amount of weight. On the negative side- well, no reason to belabor the batwings or relaxed throat that come with five and a half decades of life even in some of my thin friends. It will be what it will be, and even so will be better than hauling around the equivalent of my fourth grade self on my body. A loss of 33 pounds is just beginning to really show to other people, but I feel much better living inside my body. I move better, dancing is easier, my horse doesn't have such a load to carry, and my jeans need to be replaced pretty soon.

I saw the doc last week as planned and told him that I was still dealing with some issues including carbonated beverages. He asked, "Do you drink the high octane stuff?" I thought he meant caffienated, but he meant sugar. Told him no, I haven't drunk sugared soft drinks since Tab came out about a hundred years ago. He said, "Then what's the problem?" I explained I'd read and been told that the carbonation caused stomach stretching. He smiled and said that was usually more of a problem with the gastric bypass than with banding and not to worry about drinking occasional diet soft drinks. That made me quite happy as I love carbonated drinks, including things like Perrier and lime, and it makes life easier and more pleasant to not have to work to give them up altogether.

DISCLAIMER: I am not suggesting anyone else should or should not imbibe diet soft drinks and I am not particularly interested in discussing the pros and cons of diet soft drinks.

We shall now return to our irregularly scheduled blog.

I have discovered there are some things I can no longer eat and the reality actually bothers me less than the anticipation of having to give them up. Black pepper Trisket crackers don't sit well, with or without Brie cheese. Microwaved chicken breast is a seriously bad idea. Hamburger patties are on the way out of my life, which is just as well since I really liked hamburgers and ate a lot of them before banding. French fries aren't too bad in small amounts, but what good are french fries without hamburgers? Most bread is a problem, though toast seems to be okay. This was one of the biggies for me- man may not live by bread alone, but it was a pretty serious part of my diet. Still, pain and foaming are excellent incentives to give up certain foods, and I find it bothers me less as time goes on.

On the positive side, I can still eat rice and angel hair spaghetti and I am learning to eat fruit so that the fibrous membranes don't trip me up. Cheese and low fat low sugar pineapple sherbert are still edible, though I have to be careful not to eat all my meals in some form of frozen milk and eggs. That'll probably get easier as the weather cools off and as I figure what else I can eat without causing myself problems. One step at a time; I'm not going to freak out because of a chocolate malt every couple of weeks. I am not a person who can eliminate all fats and sugar from my diet; eating an occasional small package of cocoanut M&Ms is not going to set me back, but I also need to not become complacent about the amount of sweets I eat.

Getting enough protein has always been a problem for me and even more so now, but I'm working on it. I've been eating a fair number of almonds because they are easy to chew up and get down.

Well, this has been a remarkably boring entry, but it helps me to line some things out on paper in order to see where I am so I know where to go next. I haven't eliminated all problems from my diet, but the good old LAP-BAND®® keeps me from eating too much of anything. I realized this week that I am stopping when I feel full instead of finishing that last bite of ice cream or the second half of a sandwich. "Clean your plate" was hardwired into my psyche sometime early in life along with the idea if you fail to eat what someone puts in front of you their feelings may be hurt because food=love and affection.

For years I've known intellectually this isn't true, but tell that to my inner child. Maybe she's finally getting restructured.

Off to bed. I have several newspaper articles to write tomorrow and need to get up before noon to do the research.

Blessed be.