Sept. 13, 2006

I ordered the wire transfer today for the deposit that effectively sets in motion my preparation for lap band surgery on Dec. 27, 2006. I have 105 days to prepare, and I am going to start by incorporating some of the dietary changes that I'll need to make post-op, such as eating your protein first, eating with intention (chewing, appreciating) and drinking often but slowly. Over the next three months, maybe I'll also learn to eat less, and get away from grazing.

Right now I'm about 240 pounds, and my intention is to achieve a healthy body weight of somewhere between 135-145 pounds. I have no target date, although it would be nice at least to be close by the time of my oldest niece's (my god-daughter's) wedding ... currently anticipated to be early 2008. I would really like to look good in those family photos ... like I did at my parents' 50th anniversary in 1993, or better.

I feel fully prepared to make these changes. I've always been something of a culinary maverick, choosing foods that most people (at least most people in my family) don't ordinarily choose ... e.g. being vegan for two years. I can do this.

I'm a little concerned about how this might impact my social life, such as it is. I'm not much of a party girl, and I don't eat out all that often on my current budget, but I am concerned about how this will affect my ability to "come over for dinner" without making others uncomfortable. I'm willing to BE different. I guess I just don't want to be PERCEIVED as different. :paranoid

I hope that what the band will do for me is to give me a sense of normalcy about my physical place in the world. I'd like to walk past a mirror and think, "I know her. That's who I am." At the moment, I don't recognize the woman who looks back at me. I don't feel that fat, but when I saw the pictures from "La Vie Ennui," I knew I looked as bad as I felt in those costumes.:confused:

I'm looking forward to a simpler life, a life in which my body makes me proud, and is a place I like to be (as opposed to my imagination, which is where I spend much of my time now).

105 days until I receive the tool that I then can WORK to find the normal girl within.