Copied from sneak eating thread - useful self-analysis to keep.

For today - I'm going to be Scarlett O'Hara - "...after all, tomorrow's another day!". I'll start fresh tomorrow, when I am feeling back on my game.

Thanks BJean, MoorLess, Little Bird - I'm still in shock about what happened this morning - I really thought I had dealt with that demon. Guess it proves that we always need to be vigilant.

Primal urge - I like that expression - it's really what it is, isn't it? Funny how some of us are affected by these urges more strongly than others. It's the same feelings I still get when my 5YO son cries, the feeling that "turned on" oh so strongly when he was born, the emotions and memories stirred when I smell violets (they remind me of my nana).

This morning, I remembered something about how the secret eating started . Since I was about 8 or 9, I used to offer to go to the milk bar for mum on a pretext of buying milk, bread or whatever, and then spending some of HER money on lollies to eat on the way home, or to hide at home for later. I knew it was wrong, on so many levels, not the least of which was because I knew she often didn't have any more money than the little bit left in her purse until pay day. I also (and still do) raid her pantry (and my own) in search of tasty morsels that I can sneak. I think she knew I did it, but I don't thinks she knew how often. I guess it's a power / control thing. Sorry mum. When I see her next, I'll share this with her - it'll help exorcise the demons!

What also scares me- is how easily and adept we all are at hiding the evidence that these events happen to us from time to time. I hate feeling deceptive and deliberately denying God.

I think a lot of the emotions and reasons why I do this stem from the self-loathing that I have for being in this condition - the emotions, (and the depression) gets worse the fatter I get. I know we all share similarities here on one level or another. I am looking forward to liking myself more in my new banded life, and finally freeing myself of these emotional chains (or at least lightening their load!).

I'm at a low ebb today - partly tired (too much late night LBT! lol!), and partly hormones (mid-cycle always gets me down). Got a case of BFU (Big Fat Uglies) just now. The hormonal cycle also seems more out of whack the bigger I get - looking forward to normalising this with weight loss too!

I'll be back on my game again by tomorrow, I'm sure.

Anyway, thanks for your support gang, and especially BJean for taking time to read my blog (it's all out there... ...first time in my life I can write about these things, and now it's comming out in torrents! lol! I AM making progress!).

I am glad not to be alone in these emotions, - I just wish for all of us that we didn't have to deal with these issues in the first place.

it would be nice if we didn't have 'fat' and 'food' issues -but we do - and we are here for one another...one day at a time - hang in there!