Almost a week since my April Fool's Day first blog posting, and i've finally procrastinated myself into this 1.39am effort. I told myself that i would record this journey, and i will.

I know to do so, is important for me because i must always remember what life is like now at my heaviest, 193.5kg (427lbs)... for those days when i want to give up on the struggle to stay on my pre-op diet, or post-op when things might get a little rough and i feel frustrated.

If you chance upon this blog, this blurb, is just so (if the going ever gets tough) i can come back and read this and remember... why.

As it stands today, i struggle to think of a time in my life ever... when life with food, wasn't a struggle for me. As a baby i was a little 'pudgy' but in a relatively 'healthy' way. I was certainly active enough and full of strife too, from all accounts. Even as a toddler, i have pics of me still 'pudgy' but within the realms of the wider 'normal weight' for age.

From my first and second grade pics tho, i was taller and wider than most of the other girls, and i suspect was already starting to overeat and probably not exercise as much as i should have for my age. I seemed to be pudgy one year and taller and slimmer the next, though never as slim as the other girls. I had a little double chin in my Grade 3 photo.

Even then, i was still fairly fit. I was quite good at sports, and on every team we had at school. Between myself and my best friend... we were Captain of all but a few of the teams as well.

I was a good swimmer and represented my district and even twice, my state in sports. I think i had the height, size and strength rather than the agility and that held me in good stead for a spot on most teams. I was also a pretty good strategist and good at motivating and organising others.

I grew up on a farm and we worked every day before and after school. Most weekends in between team sports fixtures, we worked as well. At that time, i was 'chunky' and probably even 'fat' by todays standards, but think all the activity i was doing was holding my obesity at bay.

Certainly when i hit senior and gave up most sports to study and work part time in a pizza place, the weight started to pile on. I didn't really notice, i guess because i had plenty of friends, got good grades, was voted class captain each year, and made the school honour roll. Some would call that kind of thinking, denial. Today i would agree with them.

In college that trend continued, only now i was starting out on the 'dieting' merry-go-round. I would lose 10 or 15 kg's (30-40lbs) and then gain it all back and then some within a few short months. I hated my size by then, and avoided most sports as a result.

By the time i was 21 i was 120+kg (260lbs). I remember losing about 40kb (100lbs) and feeling pretty good about myself. Life was good, and then a series of unfortunate things happened... life's ups and downs... and my weight went with up and down, right along with them.

Through my 20's, with all the parties... when i wasn't eating i was drinking. Even that i did to excess too, ending up hospitalised and told to give up the booze of else! I did that, and the eating took over, even more completely. Add to this, smoking... a habit that would quickly turn into 50 cigs / day to try and help me ward off hunger pangs.

I really can't begin to complain tho, because even as a 'bigger' girl, i really did have it all in many ways. I had a good education; a great job that paid really well; a nice feller that i was to marry the following year.. flash car; fun holidays; many friends... but life's what happens while you're busy making plans.

It's a long story, but somewhere in the middle of that, my world caved in, and i just could not cope with the reality of what happened. I left and without planning or even a necessarily a destination... went overseas.

To this day, i'm not sure what i was looking for, but i didn't find it overseas. As my friends referred to it, my "world tour of war zones" (i seemed to have a penchant for going to dangerous places) showed me a lot about life and a little about me.

Mind i had the time of my life... but yet still, 41 countries later, i was stunned at the realisation of how little had changed when i finally got home. I had changed a little however, and managed to lose a fair amount of weight whilst trapsing from one end of the planet to the other... carrying that huge backpack.

For a long time it was the hardest thing settle down and get back to work. So I studied, and then studied some more. I was bored for the excitement perhaps, so i began trying for promotions again. These came fairly easily, and quickly. I was once again successful at what i did, and happy. I had a great life, and the time and motivation to eat well and exercise... and i lost more weight.

Enter, my now ex-husband. I'm not sure how to explain what happened next, but when he asked me to marry him... it seemed like the next right thing to do, settle down and start a family. He seemed so perfect for me too.

So what happened... i lost a son, my sister died of a brain tumour, his brother committed suicide, and i was working 60 hours a week and coming home to raise two little girls on my own and run his business too.

Somewhere in it all of that i lost myself in a relationship that was to become so incredibly and entirely toxic that it nearly killed me and my kids... literally!

PTSD for the kids and i, divorce, bankruptcy, major upheaval from our home, my work, and then having to nurse my mother as she died of leukaemia. All in the space of about 5 years. Long days and even longer nights and i was so very very, tired... eating anything in front of me, my weight ballooned again to 160+kg's (350lbs). Then, i gave up smoking... and the final 30kg's came quickly.

That day not so long ago when i stood on the scales and saw 193.5kg's (427lbs)really scared me. Already i was having mobility, health and every day life related problems. Sitting there, that morning too, i knew that no program alone, not theirs or anyone else's, let alone any diet... was enough to help me.

That's why, the next day... 07 March 2010. 07.03.10, my Mum's lucky numbers.. i decided to have the LAP-BAND® surgery. I know people do this for many reasons, all of which are valid. I know in my heart though that i am doing this not just to lose weight or even to look better... but, rather.. to save my life.

It really is such a relief in many ways to know that in 77 days time, I will being having surgery... and turning the corner on this life to a new and better one.

I haven't even had surgery, and just meeting fellow banders, listening to and reading their stories, i have already started asking myself... why didn't i just do this sooner!?

Thanks for letting me rant... crickey, it's 4.00am here, so i best hit the rack!

Nite all xox