So Friday will be my third band fill. I'm apprehensive about the appointment because I know I haven't really lost any weight since my last visit a few months ago and I'm afraid they might be a little upset. This is where the hard work starts, well more like where it continues. My goal this week over spring break was really to get back into my exercise habits because I genuinely feel so much better when I'm on track. Also I think the time is here to deal with the severely crippling depression that I've been having. Unfortunately I'm almost too good at analyzing myself and knowing exactly what the problem is. I'm pretty sure that I've been so angry at God that I've been avoiding him. It's not so much that we have a disconnect but more a lack of connecting. It's not really his fault because I know that he's always there and still tries to talk to me in that voice that sounds like mine in words that I would totally use. Like this morning when he said, "how is me giving you the desires of your heart mean? Why, because it doesn't look like you want it to? Who's fault is that?" This is the kind of thing he frequently points out to me at the height of my anger. Luckily he can take it. Through this whole Lent season I feel that the Lord has really shown me a lot of tough things about myself that I don't think I really wanted to see and wasn't ready to see. It's a whole lot easier to point out the flaws in other people and know that I don't have that problem than it is to look inward. But this great sadness that I've been feeling for months hasn't gone away with any of the usual tactics that I use. Yesterday at work I just felt completely devastated, as if something horrible was happening to me as waves and waves of sadness swept over me. Where does this sadness come from, why am I so sad? Is it really that I don't like my job and I get tired of talking to sick people? Or is it more the fact that I am just desperately lonely and wish every day that I had someone to come home to at night and that I didn't have to sleep alone? Probably more that I'm desperately lonely. I wish that I could say that it's ok with me that I'm still single and that I'm just at a place where I'm comfortable, but I would be lying to myself and to the entire world if I said that. If only everything was La vie en Rose. That is to say that I wish I was living my life as if looking through rose-colored glasses. I've been feeling as if God has taken every dream of mine and given it to someone else and it's like he's shoving it in my face.

So I know that this isn't the most positive of blog topics but as it pertains to my journey of weight loss, the heartache is a big part of it. With all of that going on in my heart and head, i've had a really hard time with sugar. It seems like it's almost impossible for me to stay away from because when I'm lonely and sad, it's the best friend I've ever had and I feel like I need it. I know that this isn't actually true but so often I just give in to the addiction and it's got to stop. Now that I feel the great sadness lifting, I feel like it's a new day. I just want to say that this journey is a lot harder than I ever dreamed it would be. But when I'm at my goal I'll be a much better person for it. God has always been there for me even when I feel like he isn't. I am just praying that after this next fill, that I will be able to feel the restriction again. Cottage cheese phase, here I come.:tongue:

Hello, first let me say that for the first time in my life I am going to answer a writing with God mentioned in it. You have been shown the light, and just remembering God is the first step. He answers all prayers. You are on a journey and he is leading you to success. When you lost your weight loss rythum, after a week or two, then it was time to get another fill. Do that, go and get a third fill and then see if the restriction is there. Go back to the basics one day, have soup for our meal-lunch or dinner, with baked piece of chicken. I had either a boiled egg for breakfast or some oatmeal. For your evening meal, have either chicken or fish, baked with a veggie-mashed potatoes works and peas. Small helpings, 1/2 cup veggies and 1/2 cup chicken or fish. Take charge of yourself and make it work. The Lord works in us and through us, so when he calls, answer back. He is guiding you to a successful and better life, as he has me. I am ready for my 4th fill, but am waiting three more weeks to see if I can beat the odds and do it myself, without it. Timing for the fills is truly up to the individual, how you are adjusting to your lapband. Don't worry about others, just do it for you. Most important is to stay positive and enjoy everyday of your new lifestyle. You will reach your desired goal and then you can readjust your lifestye then. Hang in there and stay focused. Loosing the #s is a long process, but you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck.

Perhaps....the Lord has given you "Mountains" instead of "Hills"...because he already knows that you WILL succeed...but, he also wants you to SEE at the paths end just how very very strong you truly are. In doing so, you'll one day read a 'blog' such as yours and 'connect' and be the tool for God's words to help another with the path over their "Mountain". You will succeed, in all areas of your life in God's time....not yours....and you WILL look back at this time and realize how very important it all was in just the way it all happened to be the YOU you will find when all the "battles" have become nothing more than little 'efforts' you can live with! You are NEVER alone! :tongue:

Edith Piaf is a goddess.. Focus on what you have and give thanks for your strength and ability to love your self. Your man will come as you honor yourself by taking care of your needs first.