Vanishing Vixen.

Vanishing…

An interesting choice of adjectives for my new serial blogger moniker... as pointed out to me yesterday. I was asked if I would be “disappearing” my personality as well as my weight. :wub: *straightface* And was told (by someone that has known me for almost 20yrs) that I seem to be letting this journey get the best of me already...as if I plan to "vanish" into nothingness, or become a shrinking violet (AS IF!)*because* I'm so used to being a Big, Bold, Bodacious (sometimes brash, and VERY bossy *lol*) woman. Maybe the adjectives (all but the "big") that alot folk -self included- seem to think of me as… will indeed vanish when the weight starts coming off.

*really ruminating & marinating on the implications*

I mean, how much of my personality has been tied to my size? And has it been that way to mask insecurity, or just an extra measure of attention whorism? I have a hard time believing either of the two, really. While I do like to be complimented when I go the extra mile to be fully fabulous (most of the time – yesterday, I looked like “Who slew Auntie Rue?” ‘s GRANDMOTHER *ugh*) , or my face beat like I'm a MAC Make-up artist, or I'm rocking some of my hottest GGX Jewels...what woman wouldn't want to be appreciated for her appearance? In fact, its also been pointed out that I have a hard time taking a compliment, and by NO means wish to be the center of attention when in a crowd or otherwise (unless we are talking about with my man, in the boudoir *smirk* :tt2:) Go figure. But... $h!t, I am who the hell I am. I AM cute. I AM sexy. I AM fabulous...I just haven't been feeling it as much lately. *shrug*

It’s really made me think about this mental/emotional space I'm in. Does my larger-than-life, feisty personality seem to be shrinking (or vanishing, so to speak) much like I want my body to do? It’s been said that I seem to have been extremely hard on myself lately (more particularly, the last 6-9 mnths) in terms of my confidence, etc.

Why is that?

The fat ugly truth is a number of varied & sundry things. Alot not even having anything to do with my weight/size, so much as it has to do with other areas of my life. Some of which are totally unrelated, but are stressors none-the-less.

I'm a wife (to man that works nights), still a relatively new "MeMe" (as she calls me) to a rambunxious lil 22mnt old squirt, I have a fairly stressful 9-5 career, on top of a jewelry biz that requires a lot of my time if I'm ever to make a go of it (why? Because *I* personally make everything myself. I’m not pushing other ppl’s wares, here). And a lot of times I feel ill-equipped to handle any of it - let alone all of it at once. *wooosahhhhh* So yeah, all of the combined stress (add to it this suck-@$$ economy) has a way of knockin a sistah off her game - in more ways than one. :thumbup: So what on the surface may seem like one thing, is a culmination of others. And of course…I know. Things could ALWAYS be worse, so I AM grateful for my many blessings. There have just been a few "ah ha!" moments over the past year in particular, that made me realize that I am sooooo far from where I want (or planned) to be in my life at 35. Weight/health included. It be’s that way sometime. *shrug, again*

IDK...

Is it even really that serious? *lol*:tt2:

I'm hormonal this week. That may account for some of the bloggarhea today. Sometimes I just can't get out of my own head. But that doesn't make me crazy...it makes me human. And blogging it...helps me *relax.relate.release* it all.

I'm not scared of what people will think of me for showing who I truly am. Good, bad, ugly, indifferent, confident, insecure, wealthy, poor, encouraged, defeated. It is what it is...and I am who I am. And what I've realized more than anything in my 5 or so years of bloggerdom, is that the folks who generally "seem" to have their $h!t together...don't. *lol* and sometimes are even more screwed up inside/in their life than me, or than they may ever let on to the world. The playing field is even, if you ask me.:thumbup: But nobody did [ask]... Oh well!

I’m keeping on…keeping on…

I LOVE IT! I honestly told a friend of mine--WHO will I be? ME is revolved around being big, I joke about it, I am outgoing and enjoy life with my "BIG" friends and really didnt care if someone didn't like my Voluptuous self. I didnt but life is what it is! WILL I be different thin? Will I be meak and vulnerable (because I am NOT now)

You know what She thought I was NUTS!!! What a ridiculous thing to say she told me. OBVIOUSLY not! lol I have found you! ha ha. Fact is I did it to be healthy not Skinny, but I am happy my pants are falling off! SWEET!

I enjoyed your bloggin' a bunch!

Marie

I've wondered too...who will I be (or maybe who I am really)? I've been fat since I was a little kid. I've avoided planes, men, changing jobs...a million thing for fear of not fitting in (into the seats) or rejection because of what people see on the outside..... On the outside I'm happy and outgoing but if you look deeply I'm actually always trying to make everyone happy. Is that the real me? Or is that just the me I created to try to get people to like me? Oh well, I guess we'll see!

And yes, you are cute, sexy, and fabulous, keep bringing it on!

I'm glad I'm not the only person feeling this way. I don't know what to make of it really...so i'll just ride the emotional rollercoaster until it stops!

Girl, you couldn't squeeze the Fabulous out of you, even Dole got a hold of your ass.. lol You are awesome, and sensational. Life's truest test is when we are juggling it all at once while maintaining health and prosperity. A fine delicate balance. Keep those close to you who bring blessing to your balance not discourage it. We all have our negative moments... but alas we stay the course and work on mastering the fluidity of our roller coaster ride and minimizing the abrupt stops and jerk movement.

Emotions are strange addicts needing recognition and sustainability before they lash out in violence towards ourselves and others. Stay in the righteous place

Love to you Vivacious Vixen...