First, I must say this: I love my family with all my heart, but a select few are driving me completely insane! It hit me yesterday, that FEELING is not allowed in my family. Voicing your feelings is not tolerated. And I can't live my life like this anymore. I refuse to raise my children that way.

Depression is anger turned inward. And if you don't discuss your feelings you stuff them, with food, alcohol, etc. I CANNOT DO THAT ANY LONGER! I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT ANY LONGER! I just end up hurting myself.

I chose to have this surgery and change my life for ME! If you love me, then be happy for me and support me. Don't blackmail me emotionally. Don't lay someone else's shit sandwich in my lap. If someone else is depressed or unhappy, that person should DO something about it. It's NOT my fault if someone is upset and too depressed to go to work. Tell THEM to put THIER big girl panties on!! Cuz honey, I've had my big girl panties on for A LONG time. I am dealing with my issues. I am trying to become a better person. I am not crying to my Mommy and blaming others for my unhappiness. I OWN my issues. They are on ME!

And don't emotionally blackmail my children when they express their feelings and those feelings upset you. YOU are the adult. Shame on you! SHAME ON YOU! It is only natural for a child to protect his parent. God knows I've tried to protect mine. Even when they probably didn't deserve it. But to not only negate their feelings, and then threaten them emotionally! SHAME ON YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

That hurts me more than any of the bullshit that has been thrown at me the last year. All of it put together, doesn't hurt as much as when my son told me how he was treated last night. By his own grandparent. I still can't believe it. If you only knew how much you hurt him. And me.

I know you want to live your life with your head in the sand and pretend everything is a-okay. Fine. You do that. But don't expect me to. And don't expect me to raise my children that way! I don't want them to wake up twenty years from now, full of self-loathing, and stuffing every feeling because they can't express them. Been there, done that, and it SUCKS!

I just realized it's okay to take care of me. People actually DO THAT. Take care of themselves. And it's NOT selfish!! WHO KNEW!? All my life I have been terrified of being a selfish person. So I give till I have nothing left to give. And I wonder why I am empty? Cuz I gave it all away!

Someday I hope it is okay to have my wishes respected. I really do. I think that would feel good. I remember when I told you I was going to have this surgery. I SPECIFICALLY asked you NOT to tell my sister. I hadn't decided if I wanted to tell her or not. Even then I had an inkling that she would not be supportive and that my decision would be a problem for her. But you told her. Thanks so much. I also tried to explain to you over Christmas that I needed to keep the negative people at arms length. To take care of me. I was feeling extremely vulnerable. Then you turn around and tell me I need to go talk to her. Practically blame her depression on ME! Thanks for throwing that steaming sack of shit in my lap. Totally appreciate that.

And last night, when you thanked me for doing what you asked.... do you know how that made me feel? Like all was right with the world, because Jennifer was happy, and that was all that mattered. You didn't even notice that I was crying. That my eyes were swollen from crying all afternoon. That shows me exactly where I stand. Thank you for that too. You probably didn't notice that I was drinking for the first time in three months either. Or that I was five seconds away from bumming a cigarette off the grumpy guy. After 16 months of being smoke-free, I was completely ready to throw all that hard work out the window. Hello self-sabotage!!! My old friend!

But I didn't. I guess I had my big girl panties on after all. Huh, Mom?

Just sending some hugs your way. Sorry you have so much to deal with. Stay strong!

I've been there on so many fronts.

My mom was a little more conniving though, she'd get us fighting between ourselves because she was afraid we'd gang up on her if we got along.

You're on the right path. You need to look out for yourself and your kids first.

If you have time to read, I suggest checking out a couple of books by Harriet Braiker:

Who's Pulling Your Strings?

The Disease to Please:

You can get a brief synopsis of these books at: Welcome to Dr. Braiker's Website

Good luck and take comfort in knowing there are others out there that know every mom and dad aren't June and Ward Cleaver!!!

Put the Drink down!! Don't even go back to the smoke..... You sound like you are on the edge. The right side of the edge. The positive edge. Getting your thoughts and feelings out in a blog will help.

Blog more, be as honest as you are and let those tears flow. Tears are cleansing. Tears help. You are a caring and special person who has done everything for everyone else and NOW is time for you to do this for YOURSELF. I am proud of the way you are working to regain self control and self LOVE. You have the desire to create your own destiny. All the power to you. Best wishes imaluckydog

G-d bless you. You are very strong, so take care of YOU!!! Ultimately, that means you are taking care of your son, too!