I have no idea what I'm doing here so I'm just going to type whatever nonsense comes out of my head... HERE WE GO!

As of now, I just finished exercising to a couple of dance videos I found on exercisetv.com. I'm hungry but I refuse to eat because my mother took us out to On the Borders today and I looked up the calorie amount I ate and was not a happy person >:closedeyes: Yeah, severely pissed off.

As of now, I weigh about 255. I'm 5'5, fair skin, brown hair, brown eyes, thin upper lip, thick lower lip and I have hips... I mean seriously... these puppies are huge. I know if I lost the weight, I would have a body I would LOVE because of my hips. I'm obese, but I have a shape still and I'm happy about that. I feel like if it weren't for the hips, my confidence wouldn't exist. I realize now that this is going to be a long read... sorry~

I guess my thoughts of this surgery came when I had a friend who weighed about 170lbs a year ago fall into anorexia and is now 130lbs... what I hate about it all is how beautiful she looks. I think I almost have a crush on her! I hate it with all my being though because I know I'm not a bad looking girl but my fat ass is in the way of all my pretty >8( I wanted to be her size (size 8)...

Another fact: I LOVE KPOP (Korean Pop music). I mean... I seriously am obsessed with it.. I want to visit the country some day and see my favorite stars in concert... The issue? South Korea looks down on the overweight. They find it disgusting. One of my favorite groups, Super Junior (13 member boy band), has a plus size member. His name is Shin Dong. He weighs in at over 200+ pounds but is a great dancer and amazing choreographer. During a radio interview he said: “If someone had to lose weight, I would tell that person to lose weight. Lose some weight, why can’t you take care of yourself. When I say this, the person might think, ‘Look who’s talking,’ but I would reply, ‘I’m a boy and you’re a girl.‘” Was this down right rude and sexist, GOOD LAWD YES... But he was right about one thing, why couldn't I take care of myself? I could honestly care less about him, but I couldn't help but think how I let my weight get this far. Another group, Girls' Generation.. granted I'm not a fan of their music but the girls themselves are so gorgeous and THIN... I mean, they are so amazingly pretty and guys everywhere (international fans and Korean fans alike) go nuts for them!

I don't want to be as stick thin... but every time I see a cake or something I want to eat, I repeat "SNSD (short of Girls' Generation) in my head over and over again. I guess my rant in all of this is that I want to be able to go Korea without being ashamed of my own body... On a side note: I am not Asian. At all. In fact, I live in the Bronx with no form of cash whatsoever (we live in public housing... don't judge me!), so as to how I will even be able to ever reach Korea anytime soon is BEYOND me.. but I will!

I'm a teenager. Part of me is doing this for vanity... sue me! But another reason is my mother. She's overweight and considering the surgery herself. This is becoming a "mother and daughter" type experience. She's a diabetic (type II). Yesterday she wanted to check my sugar.. I screamed my brains out for her to get that needle AWAY FROM ME. I DID NOT LIKE THE IDEA OF THIS HIDE AND GO SEEK NEEDLE PICERCING MY SKIN ALL FOR THE SAKE OF BLOOD but then I thought, if I continue the way I'm going, that horrid horrid needle that terrified me to the point of screaming will become the tool of life or death.. Missing one insulin shot will result in a possible welcome party at the hospital and I don't think I have the power in me to do it. My mom is constantly complaining how much she hates sticking needles into herself.. I don't want this for my future. it already hurts me so much to see her that way, so why would I want to put my children through it? (eh, if I'm going the way I am, I don't think I'll ever have children... those sappy violins can gladly start playing now!) I don't want it. I can't have it.

I need to lose weight.

And I'm going to. I will.

Surgery date on the 18th.

We're only young once. I don't want to live life as if I never was.:tt1: