The past week has been a bit trying for my wife and myself. We are both big people and as it turns out she has many medical issues that might preclude her from having the band. However, she did not want me to skip it the opportunity to be banded. I very grateful for this, however, as we were in bed a few nights ago, she seemed distant and distracted. I asked her what was wrong she said nothing. I did not believe her, but I let it lie (no pun intended). I have read many threads about couples who struggle to adjust to new bodies in relationships. I was beginning to sense that we might be starting to find some of those issues. I have dropped 80 pounds so far (pre and post op combined) and have another 90 to go, but obviously my body has changed. I have been shopping for new clothes and she has commented on how much the changes are noticeable. (Yes, the red flags should have been going off, but I am male…we can be oblivious sometimes)

After a few days of thinking about it, she sent me and email saying that as we were in bed she could feel the changes in my body and she felt intimidated. We have been married for 26 years and the last thing I want is to have the band, or the results of the band, come between us. I told her not to worry…that I was not going anywhere, everything was fine…needless to say, that did not help. As our minds can do, we both started to feel a bit insecure and our imaginations started to get ahead of us. Last night, I was on my way to a Bon Jovi concert and it all kind of came crashing in around me. Before I left, she told me… you look so good, make sure you keep your hands to yourself. We laughed, but it was very strained. As I ran this over in my mind, this interaction and a number of others this week no longer felt right. I called her and asked if she was really OK. I am glad to report that she said yes, but she was also a bit freaked and, as it turns out, we both needed reassurances that nothing had changed between us. We both agreed that as we enter this new territory, it is vital that we are very clear about the internal reactions and thoughts that creep up with this kind of life change and that we need to share them so they don’t fester.

The physical changes with the band are both amazing and exhilarating, but if they hurt our relationships with those we love the most, it can defeat the purpose and the value of doing the band. I still love my band and the progress I am making, but this week’s discussions and thoughts were a great reminder of how important it is to recognize that the mental changes are hardest and most challenging in this process.

Wow, who knew a man could be this insightful? It really is great youre aware of her feelings so well. I hope you both continue to be open, and your transition goes smoothly. It would be great if your changes can also help her choose a more healthy way of living too.

My husband recently admitted more of his true feelings about me being overweight, which he has kept to himself so far. I wish he had kept them to himself until I loose more and can feel better to take the words he said. At the moment, only 15 pounds down, I dont feel different enough that my weightloss will be permanent, or that I can keep losing. He was aiming to motivate me, so I know his heart was in the right place. But that doesnt change the fact that women are sensitive about their weight. I feel like I used to be beautiful when we met, and now I'm fat, I imagine people think, why is he with me? I want to match my husband again. I think your wife is feeling a bit like this, and that youre leaving her 'level'? the more weight you lose. Help her go with you as much as you can!

just keep re-assuring each other and I think, with time, it'll get easier. Be sure to tag her along with you whenever possible. Thanks for sharing.

Cingulus;

Sounds like you are in a committed relationship and one that is worth saving!

You are right in worrying about your wife's feelings about your new weight loss. It could blow over with reassurance - after all there are lots and lots of slim men married to big women. But it could actually end up sabotaging your relationship.

If your wife is jealous over you - which is sounds like she is - and you are a committed and loving husband I think that might be easy enough to handle. But for goodness sake don't take her everywhere you go! She has to trust you. What I would be more worried about is if she starts being ashamed of her own body in ways that she previously did not feel shame. It can manifest itself in her acting like she is rejecting you sexually when in fact she feels unattractive.

Don't fall for the belief that she no longer is attracted to the new you when really she now feels fat and ugly with the new you. You might have to work pretty hard to make her feel sexy.

Who knew loosing weight could be so hard on your sex life! Try and be sympathetic all of a sudden she feels fat and unmatched and threatened by competition. None of this was a problem when you were both big. I can really understand why a lot of women would prefer a big husband. I didn't stay married long after I gained weight and that with the birth of my daughter. Your wife is lucky to have you.

Pascale

oh, when I said "help her go with you as much as you can" I meant go with you on your weightloss journey, to help her on hers. Of course she has to be able to trust you to go places alone!

Thanks for the comments folks. I don't think it is a trust issue, I travel extensively for work. She has never been clingy we do most things together but, certainly not everything. last nights concert is a great example, she is not a Bon Jovi fan. I think it was just one of those times when we had to get somethings on the table and examined before they became bigger than they should become.

As a woman it is essential that we think our man believes we are beautiful and sexy and if you are becoming skinnier and sexier all the time and she doesnt feel she is, that is hard to deal with. Just keep reassuring her that you love and want her, no one else and no matter what she is the ONLY woman for you. I know men dont quite understand and it seems really childish and silly to you but it is very real and important to us. Yes even if you have been together 20 plus years. You sound like an awesome guy who has an awesome woman. She loved you and wanted you and loved you when othe women wouldnt have seen what she did in you, remind her of that. Remind her she is the only one for you. You are why I still have faith in the male species. I am lucky to have a good one just like you!

Thanks for that post...lucky woman!