Intimate Insecurities
The past week has been a bit trying for my wife and myself. We are both big people and as it turns out she has many medical issues that might preclude her from having the band. However, she did not want me to skip it the opportunity to be banded. I very grateful for this, however, as we were in bed a few nights ago, she seemed distant and distracted. I asked her what was wrong she said nothing. I did not believe her, but I let it lie (no pun intended). I have read many threads about couples who struggle to adjust to new bodies in relationships. I was beginning to sense that we might be starting to find some of those issues. I have dropped 80 pounds so far (pre and post op combined) and have another 90 to go, but obviously my body has changed. I have been shopping for new clothes and she has commented on how much the changes are noticeable. (Yes, the red flags should have been going off, but I am male…we can be oblivious sometimes)
After a few days of thinking about it, she sent me and email saying that as we were in bed she could feel the changes in my body and she felt intimidated. We have been married for 26 years and the last thing I want is to have the band, or the results of the band, come between us. I told her not to worry…that I was not going anywhere, everything was fine…needless to say, that did not help. As our minds can do, we both started to feel a bit insecure and our imaginations started to get ahead of us. Last night, I was on my way to a Bon Jovi concert and it all kind of came crashing in around me. Before I left, she told me… you look so good, make sure you keep your hands to yourself. We laughed, but it was very strained. As I ran this over in my mind, this interaction and a number of others this week no longer felt right. I called her and asked if she was really OK. I am glad to report that she said yes, but she was also a bit freaked and, as it turns out, we both needed reassurances that nothing had changed between us. We both agreed that as we enter this new territory, it is vital that we are very clear about the internal reactions and thoughts that creep up with this kind of life change and that we need to share them so they don’t fester.
The physical changes with the band are both amazing and exhilarating, but if they hurt our relationships with those we love the most, it can defeat the purpose and the value of doing the band. I still love my band and the progress I am making, but this week’s discussions and thoughts were a great reminder of how important it is to recognize that the mental changes are hardest and most challenging in this process.
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