Once again, the house is in bed, and I'm still here trawling LBT!!!!

I should go to bed, but my mind is occupied with thoughts of banding, and life after banding. I'm also a bit anxious about tomorrow's physician appt, and hoping to get a surgery date by tomorrow afternoon if all goes well. I ordered 4 boxes of Optifast for pre-surgery preparation from eBay today - I can get it posted cheaper than buying it at the shops! I'm going to start it as early as possible, to try and lose some more weight before banding.

As I try to prepare mentally for my new life, I find myself pondering over the fact that I really don't know how I will feel about losing weight and being thinner, as I've never really had much success at it. This makes me nervous, and almost feel too afraid to try (fear of failure perhaps?)... ... at least the band will keep me on track, and as my weight drops, I will be forced to deal with weight and food issues, as well as the self-image perceptions that I can still barely define.

Already, since deciding to be banded, I have come a long way, from hopelessness and depression, to a new sense of energy and hope for the future. I find I can, for the first time in my life, talk and write about being obese, and not cry about it at the same time! This is incredibly empowering for me, as I take it as a sign that my concious AND subconcious mind have both finally accepted my condition for what it is, after spending half my life being in denial. No more "out-of-sight, out-of-mind" mentality for this black duck!

I know the band will help deal with the meal time hunger and volume, and that it won't help as much to control snacking and emotional food habits. I know that I will have to define a whole new set of values about how I see myself and my place in the world, how I relate to food, how I socialise, how I deal with boredom, frustration etc. I am not a huge emotional eater (I don't binge to the degree of others, but I do on occasion have a "brain snap"), but there are aspects of those habits that need to be sorted out. I am more of a compulsive eater driven by the physical sensations of food, eating, chewing and swallowing. I am also a big social eater - showing hospitality and love towards my family and friends by breaking bread with them. The social eating will be hard to change, as it's such an ingrained thing.

I know that dealing with some of these things will be driven by the lifestyle changes the band will bring, some will be driven by the weight loss itself, but that most of them will have to come from within. This is scary, as I don't yet know where to start. I don't think that this will really begin until I am some fair way post-band. Maybe these things don't really kick in until months or years post-band, until it too has acceptance and has become just another part of the fabric of my life. Maybe I am already along the way, just don't feel I've got very far yet...

HOWEVER (and now for the biggest plus at this stage): For the first time in my life, I feel ready to face up to these old habits and demons. Finally I have accepted my condition for what it is, and also feel that I have the mental space in life at the moment, and physical stamina necessary to seek my victory... ...and the VERY best part - I feel that this is all part of God's plan for me - whatever the outcome.

I feel that now God is guiding me to change my heath for the better - something I have never experienced before in any of my weight loss attempts. I wouldn't say that "God told me to get a band" or anything silly like that, after all, the band is merely a tool. But I feel enveloped by His love, and truly guided towards success. Yet another sign of my acceptance - handing over my life and trusting in God is something that I've always struggeld with. Praise God!