Strength… I am in the beginning of this long journey. So easy is it to forget why I started this, and to fall off track. I get discouraged easily when I am not in fighting mode. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. I firmly believe that God controls what happens and we are his pawns. But I also believe that we have the ability of choice. We can chose the path laid out for us that looks difficult because it is uphill, or we can make our own path and it will be littered with thorns and rocks. On rare occasions the path is easier, but has consequences in the end! I’m tired so I am rambling.

My point dear reader is that I am weak, I want so badly to walk into the Dr Office, and he say to me “your fat you need surgery to correct this…how is next weekend for you?” I am a jump in head first and get it over with or I am going to chicken out kinda of person. In this case I won’t chicken out but I will give up thinking once again I am doomed to be fat all my life.

Patience… As I have explained in the first part, I would be much happier if this all happened in a few months time and fear that it will take Y-E-A-R-S to get accomplished. I used to have an abundance of patience; I was a Sunday school teacher and babysitter extraordinaire. That all faded in my early 20s with the ever present “hurry up and wait” generation we live in. I just started out this journey about a month ago, I mean I didn’t even call a Dr (my PCP) till last week to discuss it with him. And low and behold I have an assigned Dr and have a different Dr to deal with. I have the fear that this is not going to be an option that this new Dr wants for me. Well I see him in the 26th, id that soon enough…no, but I have more things than I can count to occupy my mind.

Forgiveness... I am breaking a ton of promises to myself for this to happen. I looked at WLS as a way out, for so long I wouldn’t allow myself to consider it, like when my insurance did cover it, and when it was first brought up to me. I beat myself up saying “you failed yet another diet, why would having WLS help?” I also thought for the longest time that WLS wouldn’t help ME. I don’t over eat in fact my Drs have always said that I don’t eat enough. For 3-5 days a week I “starve” because of my schedule, or I forget to eat, or I’m just not hungry. Then the other 2-4 days I eat either normal meals or have the occasional munchies fest. (No real meal day just munching all day long.) this gets frustrating because I yo-yo “diet” weekly then. I go to the gym but I don’t lose! Just gain!

More to come… I have to get kiddos off to school or daycare so I can sleep!