I could bore you with the "I’ve been fat all my life..." story and sadly its true but I won’t. Instead I will start this "journey" of blogging with my epiphany. I am not fat because I am depressed; I am depressed because I am fat.

I am a fit woman in a fat suit!:thumbup: I thought about it long and hard. I have issues looking into mirrors, not because I don’t like what I see, and sometimes I don’t, but because I don’t recognize what I see. In my minds eye I am thinner. In all (ALL) my dreams I am thinner. I look at a space and see that I should be able fit, and in my mind I do but I physically don’t. I see myself in clothing that just doesn’t fit my body type. That’s what makes this so hard. I just don’t feel like I belong in my skin. I can relater to transgender people. I feel like there is a mistake, Im not supposed to have all this extra weight. I’m supposed to be thinner.

I feel like a failure. :frown:That’s how I beat myself up! I tell myself that I don’t deserve something that I have worked SOO hard to earn but I still feel that I am worthy.

I work out, and 3-5 days a week I don’t eat much, similar to what size portions that I would have should I have a LAP-BAND®. But its that 2-3 days that kill me. I eat “normal” portions, or eat because I’m bored, Sad, angry, PMS-ing… ect. you know the drill. My DR 15 years ago explained it as I go through “starvation” mode and my body holds on to every cal it can. That means even if I diet, the week after I stop I will gain it all back on!

I am an odd ball I love to work out. I love the rush I feel after. I forget to go to the gym. I make excuses like I don’t have childcare, I’m not going to get any sleep yadda yadda yadda. (I work overnights so it is difficult on days when I don’t have childcare) I have always thought that I can do this! All I need to do is go to the gym. I would dream of an event, for example my graduation, and would say OK it’s a month away. I could easily loose 30lbs in a month. I just have to … then I would “fall off the wagon” one meal, then that would turn into one day ect. That would depress me to the point I would not only give up but I would hate the event. :cursing:Sometimes even cancel (things like a trip to the beach or vacation to Puerto Rico)

It was very recent that I have even thought about the LAP-BAND®. Mom has been pushing this on me forever, always saying that she wishes she qualified to have it done. I had always turned her down as well as the idea because after all the DR said my issue was not that I ate too much but that I often didn’t eat enough. It all happened the day that I talked to the Girl Scout leader. She had gastric bypass. This was not a surgery though for someone who loves to work out. I told her my “problem” and she said that was her problem too.:wink: Her Dr said that this will make you hungry when you forget to eat, and will restrict the meals you DO eat. So I looked into it.

I searched many message boards and read a few blogs to see if there was anything that would be a deal breaker. No alcohol, :Banane34:I don’t drink. No smoking, I don’t smoke. No carbonation, until a few months ago I didn’t drink soda. No caffeine, now this one may kill me,:smile2: I am addicted to my espressos but I guess that if I lost the weight and had energy I wouldn’t need them, and the occasional decaf coffee for taste maybe. (though I can’t stand decafL) there isn’t much else that I could think of that would keep me from getting it done except that fact for me (and I stress for ME not you!) it feels like Im throwing in the towel. I feel like I cant do it any other way I guess I have to get banded.

Here is the catch, although there is a mandate in IN for insurances to cover bariatric surgeries, My insurance does not cover it. :thumbup: So there is road block number 1. I did find out that I am on Medicaid. So I guess that will cover it (I know the Medicaid insurance covers it but I always feel guilty for having it and even more for using it.) Now all I need to do id get a surgeon to look at me and call me a candidate!

I will update you all later so for now

Keep Dreaming Some Dreams Come True!

I like this beginning - However don't feel like you are not worth something. Everybody is worth something to at least one person if not more - and even if it is one person - to that one person you may be everything. You will make the right decision!

sometimes i know what you are saying. I have 2 loving children who think i hung the moon (particurly because they watched me do it :thumbup: we have a glow in the dark moon in their room)

but there are days that I have depresson to the point i feel like a failure. I havent been suicidal in a while. I always look at my kids and say no way would i want them to live without a mom.

if it is Gods will I willba banded!