*~Otherwise known as "Hopeful One Day, Scared The Next"~*

:hungry:

Reading through erosion posts, pictures of infections, stories of slippage and removals, I sally forth to my meeting with the Psych doc and nutritionist, with what amounts to this month's rent money in hand to pay for this visit.

I don't take this surgery lightly. I was actually able to have this done by a different surgeon back in the Fall. But I needed more time to make sure I was doing the right thing. Let's be honest, going under the knife to be able to lose weight is a huge step, and a serious one.

I went to a support group meeting of this other surgeon and I was shocked at how quickly and without real research these people went and had this done. I was asking questions that we discuss here in the meeting none of them had a clue about. That shocked me. I guess for some the promise of being thin is enough.

Not me.

Yes, I am terrified of the actual surgery, going under anesthesia. (will I be that 1 in 1000 that won't wake up?) but my fears center more on what is going to happen after the surgery.

Will I heal?

Will I become infected?

Will I get pneumonia?

Will it be freaky because there is a freaking device wrapped around my stomach?

Will I become dehydrated?

And farther out:

Will I pass out from PBing?

Will I have terrible pain in my chest like some people?

Will I erode?

Will complications from erosion in my stomach kill me?

Emotional:

Will I enjoy life without my food?

Will I ever be able to enjoy food again?

What will life be like without being able to just drink and eat whenever and however like before?

What will I do with my time without it being centered on eating and cooking?

What will I do with my thoughts and emotions that can't be comforted with food anymore??

So, my first hour is with the nutritionist. I am completely overwhelmed and set on edge by this meeting. If the seriousness of this surgery didn't hit me before, then it did now.

I am a vegetarian, so getting protein is going to be paramount. The fact that I will have to be on a low carb diet was not what I expected. As a vegetarian, I eat carbs in beans, whole grains, etc. From the food choices I have, it seemed to me that food enjoyment is really going to be out the window. Yogurt, cottage cheese, tofu, protein drinks. And water. That will be my diet. I was prepared for a change, but not this drastic.

What unsettled me the most was the water bit. I can hold off drinking at meals, but I guzzle water. ALL DAY. I used to be very athletic and I drank and still drink over a gallon of water a day. And I chug it.

When I don't get my gallon in, I feel dehydrated and can actually feel sick. SO this is a real concern for me. I just don't see how I can keep up the levels my body is used to all these years with a sip, sip ,sip sip all day.

So coupled with all that I have written above, and the fact that now I am just waiting on a surgery date has me up at night.

Am I doing the right thing?

Will I be doing my body more harm than being fat if something goes wrong?

Anxiety and fear is riding me out. But every once in a while during the day I'll see a woman who is slim and I think "I can be that now. I actually have a chance at achieving that" or see an ad for travel and think "I can vacation now and not be miserable that I am so fat"

But most of all this is about getting healthy again. I can feel my body struggling and getting sick with this weight on, and I'm only going to get bigger because I am a food junkie and I have PCOS.

To be continued.....