So last night I spent my NYE at church. We had a great time and as usual a potluck, we tend to have sandwiches as the main course because they're quick, easy and people can do what they want with it, add mayo, etc...

Being banded I now see how much we as a society over eat! Let me explain...

The deli didn't have enough time to make our order but they did have some ready made footlongs, you know the ones made piled high on a whole loaf of french bread? This is the same sandwich we usually order but it's cut in 3 instead of slices. We usually order a 6 foot sub and it's gone within minutes.

So last night we got 6 sandwiches to equal the 6 ft sub we usually buy. They brought it into me to prepare and I looked at the huge hunks of sandwich and now in my banded eye and mind cut them into reasonable portions.. I took every third and cut it into 4 mini sandwiches.

Wouldn't you know, we ended up with 3 unopened sandwiches and leftovers from the first 3.. this has NEVER happened in all of the gatherings we've ever had.

To go a step further, I kept the bread from my mini sandwich, ate the meat, cheese and lettuce and kept the bread. I purposely mashed it and balled it up to see what it would look like chewed and in my stomach.

I was disgusted... me, the bread lover. The person who would get a hot loaf of french bread with some butter from the store and would eat it as a meal. I was so disgusted by the ball of dough now sitting in my hand, to realized that it came from just that lil' mini sandwich and was about the size of my upper stomach/stoma.

I thought about before how I, like everyone else, would take a thick slice of sandwich or two and eat them. I never realized just how much I was putting into my body..

And reality struck me... Yvette THIS is why you're fat. Your whole life you've loved breads, even meals that come on breads, burgers and sandwiches have been the mainstay of my diet. Going upscale? Beef Wellington please... that's right I like my beef wrapped in dough..

Pizza, I don't even like pizza, but I do like the crust covered in parm and pepper flakes.

You name it and if it was doughy deliciousness I've probably eaten it. Carbalicious doughy deliciousness. If it was sugar or frosting coated or filled even better.

I have a completely new outlook, but it's going to be a struggle. Even after being disgusted by the ball of bread, I let out an excited fat girl scream when someone came in with Hot Krispy Kremes... I limited myself to one and enjoyed it, savored it. This must be how the other half lives, because never in my life have I nibbled and noshed on something that tasted so good. If it was good I ate it, ate it quick and as much of it as I could.

Prior to being banded, I have and would have eaten a dozen of hot glazed krispy kremes by myself. Then justify it by not eating anything else the rest of the day or saying "they're just so good and like air, they melt in your mouth"

Gone is that person, it's physically impossible for me to do, but I've also renewed my mind to food, it's purpose and it's effects.

Disgusted by the memory of me going to Krispy Kreme and ordering a dozen or a dozen and half. Eating 6 and feeling full, looking down to see the icing mess on my shirt. Going home or to work with the rest and some how losing track until they were all gone.

Ugh.. seriously it makes me feel a multitude of emotions, sad, disgusted, pathetic, angry, etc.. How do you do that to yourself and not even realize what your doing. What is so wrong in your life that Food is your only comfort? I know the answer to that question and it's not something to put here for all to see but WOW.. Really Yvette???

How far gone do you have to be where you're in relationships with men encourage you to eat like that, or have fights with your husband about food and donuts, and other food related nonsense. What a site that must of been, wolfing down donuts in the parking lot of the Krispy Kreme, I remember that look he gave me, and now 7 yrs later, I get it. It was disgust.

On the upside I've done something about it, so the past can never be again...

That's the new reality and it's definitely struck me, whether I was ready for it or not.

2010 here we are....Let's make the most of it. This was my last fat christmas, my last fat NYE, my last fat anything... Life solutions, not resolutions. Do everything in excellence or don't do it at all.