Well, a few days ago I celebrated my 6 month Bandiversary. It feels kindof bitter-sweet to me. I am SOO not where I wanted to be by this time, but I am trying not to be discouraged and trying to be happy with my accomplishments so far. From that point until today I have lost 25 pounds. Right at about a pound a week. I can't say that I didn't try--there were periods where I tried really hard--but then there were long stretches where I didn't try at all. The good part is that in a typical 6 months of that kind of motivation and attitude I would have prob'ly gained 10 lost 5. Weight going up and down on the scale, but mostly up.

A year ago--looking into 2009--I had NOOO idea that I would have the band "installed". I was relying on my willpower and motivation to accomplish the 2009 New Year's Resolutions. Writing those things down (which I ALWAYS do--not just about weight) seemed somehow defeating and like pipe dreams.

Looking back, I know I made the right decision to get the band. The weight-loss has been ALOT slower than I thought it would be...but it has BEEN happening--even without the motivation and the drive being there. It really IS coming off. And that has never happened before.

I really struggle with getting myself motivated to diet since having the band. I struggle with following the band rules and with making the right choices. I struggle to set an appointment with my band DR. because I had set a goal to lose 10 pounds by the next appointment for a fill and I'm not there yet.

I can tell a big difference in how I look when I stand up--especially around my ribs/waist area. But, when I sit down!! It's almost worse than before somehow--like a Bean Bag with rolls!! I don't know if it's extra skin or if it is just something I've never noticed before--but I've seen it TWICE in the last two weeks and been floored by how bad it looked! I got my hair done last night and of course there is a full-length mirror--floor to ceiling and I'm sitting there crossing my legs explaining to the size -2 hairdresser what I want my hair to end up looking like and all I can see is ROLLS!!! AAAGGHH!! So, I made some new resolutions sitting there. To use this band to fullest.

The band is another tool in my arsenol. It is my safety net more than anything else. I really havn't got alot of the benefit of not being hungry between meals---but remember I havn't been using it as directed most of the time. I still drink with my meals (a big no-no) and eat mushy foods--which go down way too easy. But where I notice it helping me the most is when I don't give a crap about diet and I want to eat a big meal--NOT GONNA HAPPEN!!!

I just got a fill today. My fourth one. I should have had one alot earlier than this, but I got H1N1 in October--cancelled my appointment. Got Broncitis and Sinus Infections (2) in November/December...just getting off my huge horse-pill antibiotics 3 rounds of that. I didn't want to get a fill for fear that those wouldn't go down.

So--4th fill today. I know, I know. It's December 22nd. 2 days liquid...2 days mushies--regular food Saturday the 26th. I've got Christmas Eve dinner with the family on the 24th. Saturday--breakfast with the inlaws. And then going to Illinois to visit my family for two weeks. It isn't going to be easy. I thought about waiting until I got back to get the fill. But then I thought about it and realized that this is exactly WHY I got the band in the first place---to make a big difference when I need it. I NEED MY SAFETY NET the next two weeks!!!!

Something that has been bothering me is the fact that my husband and I have been wanting to have a baby. Our goal was to start trying (again) in January. Of course, that was when I thought I would be down to 150 by January. I'm 189 right now. My blood pressure is down but not down to where I would feel comfortable being pregnant. I'm not worried about ANYTHING to do with the band or gaining too much weight or not being able to lose the weight or even not being down to where I wanted to be. I know that this is a tool for life and it may take me a long time to get there, but getting there is the goal not how long it takes. But, I AM worried about feeling like crap while I'm pregnant. I remember last time when I was pregnant, my blood pressure got to be 204/98 towards the end. I felt AWEFUL and miserable. And I weighed 202 at the 40 week point. I'm so scared of feeling that bad or worse with this one!

Another thing that has me worried, is that my lap-band DR has "free" fills for the first year. Nothing is charged for those visits. I don't know what happens after a year, if that can be charged to insurance or not--or if that is out of pocket per fill. I really want to take advantage of that window of time while I have it!

So---I kindof feel like maybe we should wait until March to start trying. I could take now until January 6th when I get back from Illinois to sit down and map out a strategy that would get me to the place where I would be comfortable and excited about getting pregnant. To get motivated about losing weight and implementing healthy positive lifestyle changes--not just letting the band lose weight for me.

Sounds like a great plan...you CAN do it GF!!! What a great end-motivation!!! One day at a time and keep getting those fills if you don't have good restriction! -BG