I had this realization yesterday that I am getting closer and closer to something. I am past the halfway point of this ridiculous program and I am also moving further and further away from that halfway point... And like with Thanksgiving where I ended up finally getting too busy to think about it all...time is flying. I realized yesterday that by the time the holiday dust settles, it will be time for appointment number four.

Appointment number four means I have only two more remaining. And I seem to gather from the people that have to do this that the last two months actually do fly by - especially the last month. But all of the sudden, yesterday, I realized, I AM making progress.

I don't know what I weigh right now. That's frustrating. Every time I eat something, I end up back in the bathroom. Still not 100% after last week and I'm sure this cold isn't helping. But the scale is all over the place right now, just like my body. It's very strange....

As for my crafts, things are plugging along. I have about five scarves left to make. And this weekend I have blocked out at least 8 hours for etching all my glass. I should get the glass done this weekend (and hopefully even wrapped) and 2 of the 5 scarves don't have to be ready until Dec 31. So I'm calming down as I'm realizing I'm going to be alright...

It also feels good to have the house decorated finally. That was something that just didn't seem to be coming together this year, which is very odd! We get a live (or rather a dead) tree and because it's a live (dead) tree and it's just going to lose needles we've always gotten them 2 weeks before Christmas. It's up for two weeks and then one week after Christmas and by then it really is fuel. But the tree is the last thing up. The weekend after Thanksgiving we get our outside lights up and put all the rest of the decorations out.

Outside lights got up. And that was that.

And then I started to go crazy with the crafts.

And then I got sick.

And still the decorations didn't get out. Hubby had very dutifully gotten everything out of the attic when he got the lights out. But all the boxes sat in the garage for the longest time...

This past weekend all the decorations finally got themselves out and situated (mostly). It's so weird to feel like this Christmas just has no momentum. But that's what it feels like. Don't want to spend money, don't want to travel, don't want to...anything, really. I am enjoying the parties but it's just off. And it's weird.

I also have this persistent thought in my head about what this time next year will be like. Will I be banded? Will I have lost weight? Will I be more willing to spend money? Will I still have a job? Will I...anything?

I haven't told anyone this (will tell my hubby but no one else) but I decided on Monday I wanted to take pictures to send a photo card as our Christmas card this year. So we took the pic Monday night and got the cards ordered. They will arrive today and we will get them in the mail this weekend (nothing like the last minute Christmas card). I HATE the way I look in pics right now. And I have NEVER sent a photo card before. But I wanted to send one this year. I know my family thinks I'm hideous (and so do I) but I WANT them to see the "before". I just hope that this time next year I can take some pics that are showing movement towards the "after".

So will I be banded? You see...just about everything I do this year for Christmas is equating to "what will it be like this time next year?" Go to a Christmas party? Oh, all right. But I don't have anything cute, fun and festive to wear. And I certainly don't want to buy anything. I don't want to spend the money AND I don't want to buy this size AND nothing is flattering anyway! So what will it be like next year?

I hate this, to be honest. I like to live my life now. I like to live my life today. And I feel like I'm in this holding stage - being held hostage by the insurance company - where I have to just sit here and wait to start living my real life. I JUST WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT!

Ugh.

I guess this is turning into a rant fest and for that I am sorry. Sure didn't start out with that intention...

Oh well. As frustrated and irriated as I am, I am still enjoying myself. It's just not the normal feelings, that's all. It doesn't help that one of our friends in our tightnit neighborhood is moving away all the way to Iowa. They basically have their house all packed and ready to go as the truck arrives to haul their stuff off on Dec 26th and they want to enjoy Christmas at this point. So we are trying to get together nightly for dinner - and these are the super skinny peeps that don't understand why not everyone can eat 5 servings of various carb dishes a meal. Althought I'm actually not worried about the eating aspect - I'm finding that I am making good choices. No desert...small, if any, servings of ONE carb...

It will be good to go back to my own cooking, though. I DO love to cook!

And so here I am. I think the Christmas season has me firmly in it's grip....

I don't know your family but I feel sure that your family does not think you are hideous. I always think that but what I realize now is that those people close to me pretty much view me the same way no matter my size.

Good luck in your continuing non-weightloss program. You know we are all behind you!

You are 1/2 way there... and it'll be here before you know it. But please don't wait to live your life, your life is happening now. You are BEAUTIFUL, and regardless if you want to wear the size or not, get something to make you feel good. You should feel good, you're making great changes for yourself and right now you're in a holding pattern until it goes through, but live every day to the fullest. Don't rob yourself of your own joy.

Boy do I remember that 'holding pattern'. Enjoy the holidays...it's only your weight that will change. Your gifts sound wonderful...lucky recipients!!! -BG