Ok so I've been MIA for a minute, I needed some time to think about everything that I'm going through, is this what's really right for me.

Two of the people I respect most in the world have voiced their opinions on my surgery. My mother has voiced the same and so forth. They all say the same thing "Do what you want to do, but you can do it on your own, so you don't really need to do this."

I went from 430+ down to 287. The plus is because I couldn't weigh myself for a long time before that. So I lost that weight and have kept the bulk of it off.

I got into a long distance relationship for 2 yrs and he was jealous of me going to the gym, hearing the guys make comments, saying, hi, flirting, etc...So I spent 2 yrs of my life on the phone, laying around.. and packed weight back on reaching back up to 330lbs.

I started to diet and got fed up with the up and down losing the same 30-35lbs, especially when I can gain and lose 15lbs in just a weeks time. So I decided to make yet another appointment to go see about the lapband.

I've been researching this for 5 yrs...on and off, back and forth. Listening to everyone else's opinions and thoughts on it, wait til you have kids, you can do it on your own, etc...

Thing is, I'm tired of waiting. I've been a size 14 or bigger since I was 8 yrs old. Yes 8 as in eight, not a typo.

And yes I know people look at me and they think "Oh you're not that big." fact is I am, the numbers don't lie. I'm mostly muscle and I'm solid, which is why most people guess me anywhere around 200-250lbs if they guess my weight. And I'm wide front to back, not side to side.

At my pre-op visits people always comment on how they thought I was post-op and would say things like "wow I would like to have your shape/figure when I'm done." - Umm k that's great and I appreciate the compliment. However, I'm PRE-OP.

So all of that being said, I had to take few days to get my mind right, and not be here and caught up in all of it.

My Pastor voiced his concern and doesn't think I should do it. His wife (also my Pastor) said the same. My Mother, my friends, etc...

So now I feel like I'm being forced to lie, well not lie, just not tell anyone. Which I wasn't really doing anyways. I think I told 5 or 6 people total and 4 out of those 5 or 6 have said something negative about it and tried persuade me not to do it.

So I sat and thought, ok do I really want to do this? Less than a week from surgery, do I really want to walk away from this?

I couldn't really bring it here until my mind was made up. I know there are so many people here who are waiting, trying to get approved, etc..and here I am approved, scheduled and thinking about walking away.

My mind is made up, I'll be doing it on Friday. No more, no less and more importantly nobody's business.

I'll have church on Thursday and see my Pastor, Friday is Surgery and then I'll see his wife on Sunday. I'll have friday and saturday to recoup and nobody will know the difference.

I'll see my mom Friday after surgery. She knows I'm doing it, even though she thinks I should wait she's supporting whatever it is I think I need to do. But everybody else doesn't need to know.

I'm sure some of you are like well just miss church or whatever...but I can't. I'm the church administrator and assistant to my Pastors so I have to be there. Be available to pick them up from the airport, check them into the hotel, etc..whatever needs to be done.

I'm pretty sure I can pull it off without anyone noticing, the only issue I may have is luggage, I can't lift anything over 15lbs for the next 3-4 weeks. I think I'll be ok for this week, as the only trip before the end of the year is this Sunday and she'll be coming from San Diego with just a carry on...for an hour or two... By the time I see them after the new year, I'll be healed up for the most part.

In the stress of this I ended up cheating on my pre-op diet 2 days in a row ok well more like 1.5.. sunday morning I had a bagel AND a cheese danish with a yoplait and some fruit.

Then yesterday I had supreme croissant from jack in the box with the intent of just eating the egg and meat out of the center.. yeah no, ate it all oh and tacos.. I wanted to have those greasy best thing you ever at at 2am after you've been out drinking all night tacos. But oddly enough they don't taste as good when you're sober and it's it's 12 in the afternoon lol.

Then I had the weirdest craving for chicken salad, which isn't too bad, but the box of wheat thins I ate the chicken salad on, umm yeah that was kinda bad. So anyways - that's that.. That's where I've been. But my mind is made up, I'm on track.. basically 2 more days, 3 more sleeps and it's here. WOW.

Father I thank you for the opportunity of new life, best life. I thank you for rapid recovery and healing. I thank you for a solid mind and unwaivering spirit. I thank you for all you've done for me in the past and all that you will do for me in the future. You are Alpha and Omega and I give you all the Glory. Amen.

God bless, sister. I'm always surprised when folks say that this is an easy decision.

Best wishes to you on your journey!

This is YOUR decision, not anyone elses. When I decided I had one friend who said....Well just pretend to have the band and eat like you have it. Now we all know that does not work or else I would not have been 110 pounds overweight!

This is a decision for you and you alone. Pray over it, what is your true desire? Are you ready for the changes this will make in your life? Are you willing to make the mental changes it will take to live with the band? Nobody can answer those questions but you!

I do think you will be pushing it if you try to work that weekend. It took me a week to not sleep most of the day. Don't put yourself at risk of slippage or hurting yourself because you are trying to hide the surgery. It's not worth it and can cause many other issues. So please, please think about that seriously.

I too was overweight all my life. I was the overweight kid always getting picked on. Most of the time people would guess my weight wrong as well. So I know how that feels. I was 280 when I started this journey and currently I am 182 with only about 10-15lbs to goal. I do not regret my decision but I also was very ready in the head for it.

I suggest you go into your prayer closet and meditate and talk to God. This is not an easy decision to make but regardless of what you decide you will have to be "ok" with the results.

I wish you much love and many blessings and I am going to say a prayer for you today as well.

I couldn't agree with you ladies more. My mind is made up, I'm ready to go. 2 days.. actually less than that, by this time Friday I will be home and banded. WOW

Loseit - I know, it's not easy, even having the band isn't easy. People say it's cheating or a copout but it's so much more than that, we have to work just as hard, if not harder, on diets I always had one "free day" a week. There's no option for the all you can eat day here lol.

Laura - I was looking at your profile earlier and was inspired. Thank you for your advice and kind words!

I really took the time to examine this and myself and I KNOW this is the right decision for me. My issue is not overeating, it's bad eating habits and volume eating at one time. Justifying it by saying, "well I didn't eat all day." - things that even when I'm "dieting" I don't control or change. I usually just eat and then workout a lil' more to burn it off.

I know because of my build and past experience that I can eat whatever I want and lose as long as I'm working out. But when the workout stops, the eating doesn't change.. and that's what I need this tool for. Decision is made. No more will there be me eating nothing all day, then inhaling 2 mcdoubles, french fries and a large sweet tea, like it's a regular sized meal that anybody would eat. In speaking with those close to me, most people were like I can't finish a double cheeseburger.. Let alone 2...yeah I don't have that issue.. hence the NEED for the band. So everyone else's opinions aren't valid in this case. I know what I want and need to do.