This might not be a very fun blog entry to read, but I felt it was one I needed to write so I could see it for myself. I keep saying that I want to be healthy, so what does that mean to me? Once I wrote it, I looked at it before I posted it. Wow. I need this surgery. I need help so I can get and stay healthy. Thank you all for existing so I have somewhere to do this.

SLEEP. About 5 years ago, I was diagnosed with sleep apnea. Once I got used to my CPAP machine, I had the best nights of sleeping that I had in my life! Then I gained 40 lbs. It certainly didn't happen all at once, but it's like I noticed it all at once. I can feel that my machine is not effective any longer. I am exhausted all the time. I yawn constantly. I remember being like this before I got my machine. While I could go make appointments and get another sleep study and get it all changed (about 60-90 days), my hope is that in the next 3-4 months, I will lose the 25 or so lbs that will make the machine effective again. My ultimate goal would be to get off the machine altogether!!

Acid Reflux. I take two Nexium a day. I have terrible reflux that my doctor has indicate would lessen considerably with weight loss. All the research I have seen indicates that people who suffer from acid reflux benefit greatly from the effects of the LB. I would love to be able to take only one a day with no flare ups. It would be super great if I didn't have to take it at all!

Blood pressure & cholesterol. My blood pressure is mostly fine, but I had a period earlier this year when it was high. I took medication for one month and it seemed to lower and I was able to go off. My cholesterol is hovering near the elevated area. My goal is to NOT have to get on medication for these things!

Skin. I've noticed that as the heavier I get the more issues I have with my skin. I know part of that is nutritional and that will help alone. Part of it is that I am less flexible and it is harder to clean and moisturize in every area. Gross and sad, but true. By being able to reach everything, and areas not being "lost" under flab rolls of skin, I think my overall skin will be much better!

Feet. My feet hurt constantly. I honestly believe that I'm just trying to carry to much weight. I used to be able to exercise and then ice them, but I can't even do that anymore. I'm actually wearing flector patches during the day just so I can do normal walking. I should be at least able to do normal walking and low impact aerobics without ridiculous pain. I'm hoping for high impact aerobics, but I will settle for low if that is all I can get!

Knees. In the last year, I noticed that as I exercised, my knees started to really hurt. No question in my mind that if I were carrying less weight, this would not be a problem at this point.

Energy. I think this goes along with sleep, but since I'm not able to exercise, I just have no energy whatsoever. I'm sleeping 9-10 hours per night and it just doesn't feel like enough. I remember when I was exercising 7 hours per week. I was bouncing off the wall with energy!

Anxiety. Yes, it would nice to be thin for looks. But mostly, I just want to be comfortable in my own skin. i didn't have any physical reactions to anxiety, but then I was like a volcano. I have it under control, but it would be nice to not have it at all. I feel that with weightloss, I will feel more comfortable and in control. With that, I feel that my anxiety will lessen.

Comfort. Speaking of comfort, it would just be nice to be able to sit down in a chair and not be concerned if it is sturday enough. It would be nice to sit in a plane without being concerned that the person next to me is hating life because they are stuck next to a fat person. It would be nice for my nephews and neice to not innocently say things about how big/squishy/fat etc. their aunt is.

I said to someone the other day, "The more you love yourself, the easier you are to love by those who love you." I believe that and I want to make it easier for my family and friends to love me. I want to LOVE myself. ALL of myself!!

I am ready for my new life.

Well said!!! -BG

You are ready! You know what you want and how to get. I think that the more prepared you are the more successful you will be!