Dammed if I do and dammed if I don’t

It’s a very cold winter night in December, and I am sitting on my couch in my apartment watching Julia and Julie. I seem to be drifting off in my mind which is wondering aimlessly. Friends and I talked about having the perfect relationship, is there really such a thing? In some way people in my lifetime do believe in the perfect soul mate. I feel in my heart that there are different types of relationships A) the rich ones who are stuck on themselves and their mate to be perfect have to be brainless and skinny. :sad: Middle class who must have skinny girlfriend to make them look good. C) The ones who put on a show, making people believe that they are nice polite boys. Are they really though? D) The ones who tell you that you are too fat for them in a nice way of course. (You embarrass them) it’s sad if you ask me. They don’t want to take you to their friend’s houses due to your too fat for them. Well let me tell you the person who is embarrassed person is actually fat to himself. E) And there is the ones that you’d know you could trust your life totally in their hands.

Why does the world believe that everyone should be skinny? I mean I could understand if the person was unhealthy and needed to lose the weight to feel better and to be able to function as a normal human being. I hate it though when you feel so dam bad because someone sticks it in your brain that you have to be skinny to have a wonderful man. So because of the world, men, friends, and health I have tried to change myself over and over again.

I weighed 380 pounds at one time and I lost a loved one who loved me very dearly. I started losing weight because of the loss and I kept very busy to avoid the pain. I did get down to 170 pounds and new my boyfriend was so thrilled. I had to have a tummy tuck to get rid of the extra fat that I could not totally lose. I also had a breast reduce and with my tummy tuck I was very sick and had problems during surgery and no one would tell me what had happened but my boyfriend was crying when I came to. The outcome was I did it and now I was at 16o pounds and we were happy. I began gaining weight again in which my boyfriend became unhappy, sexually not in to me, embarrassed of me, and complained all the time about my weight. I told him onetime if you complain it only makes me fatter. He even offered me cash to lose the weight. I was so mad I mean here I am having two surgeries already and I had to heal from them and it was not easy. I failed at what he wanted in a woman. I could not become that skinny rich bitch he so longed for. We split up, and moved on. That was in March 2008. He has gotten married now.

I find myself now thinking about my weight again and worrying, due to my health. My new boyfriend is not as worried or embarrassed about my weight. I asked him how he felt about me having the lap band done soon. He said he loved me for me not my weight. So this is how I came to thinking about having the lap band surgery soon. I am now 225 pounds, 41.1 BMI, and 41 yrs old and I want to be able to reach my goal weight. I want to not have to worry about sleep apnea anymore. I want to breathe easier. I want to be healthier. I want to look sexy, hot and really hot in clothes. I want to wear smaller clothes. I want to be able to find clothes in my size and not be embarrassed when I buy them.

I want to be about 110 pounds to 115 pounds. :crying: I am hoping that is possible for me to reach. I am scared though.

:sneaky:

There are plenty of good men out there and lots of them who could love you for who you are no matter what you look like. But don't get a lapband to get a man. Once you feel good about who you are as you are, he will show up. Promise.

There are plenty of good men out there and lots of them who could love you for who you are no matter what you look like. But don't get a LAP-BAND® to get a man. Once you feel good about who you are as you are, he will show up. Promise.

I am doing the lap band for me. I have a wonderful man who would take me as I am now, but I have do the lap band for my health.