Okay so I cleaned out the car yesterday morning at 3am (see yesterdays journal) I stayed up longer and read those damn memorials that you see on OH.com........omg what was I thinking.....had a semi-bummer day because of it. Got me really thinking about the whole banding thing. I do realize most of those people who passed had a huge bmi and many co-morbidities....but it still makes ya wonder. One girl was in her 20's ...i forget her exact cause of death......but she must have had a vision or something (and I do believe in them from personal experience) she wrote a goodbye letter ...omg...she said goodbye to everyone .....and bam...she never came out of recovery!! There were a few who died of clots, but then again they had pretty high bmi's. One woman was incredibly heavy...waiting for approval...heart attack in her sleep---this is what I don't want, hence the idea to get banded. The truth be told about me....I am 100 lbs overweight....but I have not been heavy for too long. The real weight has only been a problem for the last hmmm...10 months. And, my weight is not all over...its my butt and my stomach....oh yeah and my legs....I can feel my ribs from the side....I have a waistline. Maybe this is why I am suddenly freaked out by all this. I also tried on my "monkey suit" that I will be wearing home from the hosp. well, I tried on my sister's suit, Mom is making one for me so I am comfy after surgery and I don't have to worry about the bra thing because its a one piece with a tank style top....totally spandex and extremely comfy..I will wear a plain t-shirt over it ...ahhhh i can still feel how good it felt to try it on. I tried it on so mom will know what size to make me. (same size -yea!) So maybe that is my whole issue, do I feel like I don't deserve the band? Maybe I should try harder to do this myself?? I have completely filled my obligation for surgery.....I just need the date from the doc......I have nothing holding me back...no more excuses. I have had surgery before 3-c's and a back surgery....and a few "lady procedures" that required being knocked out. I can do this....this should be easy. I have dieted many times before..lol back when i only had 25 lbs to lose.....i know the taste of diet food, there fore I have suffered. I say this because i know people who "just can't handle the taste" and I think, yeah, you have never truly suffered as a dieter...lol. I am not changing my mind about surgery. And frankly I am surprised at myself for even having these feeling (I am a control freak...sadly) Hmmm here is a thought....maybe I am just overtired!!!! (notice the time again!!) I just want to sleep! I want to be normal!

On an upbeat note....I think i have mentioned that I have been sleeping on the couch because of my snoring and hubby is roofing and I don't want him to fall off the roof because my snoring has kept him from sleeping....well he told me yesterday that he wakes up every morning at 3am...he used to think it was me that woke him up.....but guess what I am not there....so yay for me I can go back to bed and feel semi-normal again! I will spend tonight as my last night on the couch because my 9 year old is on the other couch (too hot in her room) and I don't want to leave her alone out here. And if I go to bed now I risk waking him up trying to get into bed...we have a freakishly tall bed comes up to my belly...I am 5'6" (which i realize is not giant but I just want to say that its not like I am 4'11") Its so nice to have a journel to vent on! I have not told anyone in my everyday life any of this stuff, so its nice I can "share" online. Wow I am actually feeling sleepy now.....gonna hurry up and put my p.j.'s on! :clap2: wish me luck!

Awwww I hope you got some good sleep. We all go through panic attacks about the surgery. We really don't know what the outcome is going to be. We pray for good results but sometimes people have serious complications or die. You have to weigh your options and only you can make the finally decission.