How is it that one can go from being skinny and seeing herself as fat to being fat and still see the skinny person inside?

When I was a teenager/20-something year old, I was thin and thought I was fat. It makes me sad to realize just how warped my view of myself was.

How could I not hear my friends when they called me "Barbie"? They even tried to explain to me, sincerely, why they called me that... How could I not hear the company commanders in boot camp when they called me "Miss America"? I always thought to myself - they are doing something like calling a huge man (tall AND wide) 'tiny'. I was the opposite of what they called me in my eye. How could I not understand and realize and see for myself what my mom always told me. When I walked around a mall - I'd leave men turning their heads. She always thought it was pretty neat walking around with me - because I didn't know I was even doing that.

All I REALLY heard was the rest of my family.

My uncle told me at the age of 15 I "was getting too pudgy". My aunt slapped him. Harm was done, nonetheless.

My dad called me "thunderthighs" because he "thought it was funny". Maybe it was a "joke" but harm was done, nonetheless.

My grandmother told me "I would never be able to attract a man if I continued to look like I did" (at 132 pounds which was technically underweight for my height.) Apparently she wanted me to be a waif - which I consider unhealthy.

I was smart enough to know then that waifs are unhealthy. I was not smart enough, if you will, to know that I was being pressured into "society's norms".

I was an athlete. I swam for miles. I was also in drill team. So when I wasn't swimming, I was marching for miles or dancing on football fields. Between the two activities, I had something going "all year long". And in my spare time I was in choir and drama. And in my "leftover" spare time, I was never sitting down.

I look back NOW and I KNOW I was healthy and fit and JUST FINE!

Is it wrong of me to just be mad mad mad at this family of mine?

Because somewhere in this weight gain journey I began to realize EXACTLY how off base they all were.

But. BUT. NOW....I look in the mirror...and I still see my skinny self. I look at pictures and I cannot be deceived in those cases. So I don't take pictures - and if they are taken for some horrendous reason - I DO NOT LOOK AT THEM. Who wants to see a puffed out hideous puff ball when in the minds eye, there is still a waist line? In the minds eye there are still muscular legs? In the minds eye there are still curves where curves are supposed to be.

I can still see who I used to be. Don't get me wrong - I'm not entirely delusional. I AM fat! I DO need to lose weight? I DO have fat sitting on top of muscles that used to show through easily. I DO have curves where curves should not exist. I just know NOW that once upon a time - I WAS ok.

I'm ok, you're ok, right?

I don't want to forget that this thinking has evolved like this. I want to remember when I am at a healthy weight that HEALTHY is what looks best. I want to remember when I am at a healthy weight that I must follow my own heart. Forget my grandmother who worked in the fashion industry. Forget my uncle who thinks that women cannot be athletes and who considered muscle "pudge". Forget my dad who just didn't know better. Forget them all. It's what I think about myself that matters.

I feel for you! It is amazing how those few comments can be so hurtful. I am sorry that your family was so critical. I feel the same way about feeling "fat" at 130 lbs. and refusing to look at pictures of myself now. I know I am a lot more forgiving of other people than I am of myself. It is all relative. To a 120 lb person, 200 lbs is FAT. To a 300 lb person, 200 is great! You are right - HEALTHY is healthy...and beautiful!!!

Your story is interesting. I have never been thin, but for much of my life I was somewhat overweight, carried it well and was healthy. I got a lot of those awful comments too and my insecurities developed over time. It was almost a self-fufilling prophecy.

I always saw the thin person even though I was overweight. Now though, I've gotten so big, it is impossible to see her anymore.

That is why I'm choosing the band. I really want to see her again!

Yeah, I've blogged the same thing many times 'Body Dysmorphic Disorder"...I've been thin longer than fat, but I also thought I was fat at 150-160# and I was 5'10". Taking 'before' pics was hard, but it helped me see how I really look now (believe me, I didn't think I looked nearly as bad as I did...hiding from the camera for years was probably a big mistake). The pics will help you see the changes as you get thinner and appreciate the hard work. Take measurements too. -BG (former Drill Team gal too)