I had my eval with a therapist last night. She confirmed that I was a good candidate for WLS and LB. It was great talking to her. I had forgotten how good it feels to open yourself up like that. I used to do indiv and group therapy, years ago (just after college). I have been a school counselor for 10 years and ran an alcohol treatment study as a therapist for a time - you would think I would know how important talk therapy is!

While talking to her, I articulated some of the feelings I have been having. She suggested journaling, and I thought, "Aha! I can blog on lapbandtalk!"

I have come to the conclusion that I am a spoiled brat.:drool: I never really experienced much hardship in my life. I have never been really poor, never did without anything growing up. I hated cleaning my room or any other "manual labor" and would get "stomach aches" when required to do something I didn't want to do. (Ugh. This sounds so terrible! But I have to be honest if I am going to get past it.) I have suffered bouts of depression and had low self confidence for a long time. My confidence has improved, but I think there is still part of me that feels "unworthy".

The therapist named my view as "self-indulgent". Totally. I do not want to feel discomfort of any kind. I want to have what I want, when I want it. I don't want limits. I feel like I "deserve" to have whatever I want, including food.:drool:

What am I rewarding myself for? I am quick to take medicine for any discomfort, headache, allergies, etc.

The therapist talked about the feelings I am suppressing with this self-indulgent behavior. If I didn't distract myself with food, what else would be bothering me? It is so hard to identify!

I know I fear feeling sad. I lost my mom Feb 09 and my dog Aug 09. I went up on my Lexapro for a time, but I still cried a lot. Some days, I cried pretty much all day. It was horrible. I am so afraid that feeling sad will push me into that dark pit of depression. I still take Lexapro, and it helps, but I know how it feels to be so low...and I don't want to be there.:drool:

Then there is the depressioon that being fat brings. I hate feeling the inertia that keeps me on the couch. I am an artist - but I don't feel like doing anything. I have bajillions of beads, art supplies, etc...but I don't seem able to do anything with them. Why? I have no desire/energy to cook. It used to be a passion. Now, frozen something is a relief - nothing to worry about. I worry that I will end up like my mom: sitting ALL DAY in fron to the TV, doing NOTHING, including bathing, eating, dressing, or anything that requires effort. I get those feelings periodically. Scary.

So how do I start? How can I make myself do things? I don't WANT to push myself. I hate discomfort. I told the alcoholics in group that cravings (for alcohol) are like a wave, and they will crest and then pass. Somehow, I can't talke my own advice. I don't want to feel "hunger".

Also, I worry about there being "enough" of anything for me, esp. food. Is 1 bottle of wine enough to bring to a party? Is an 8 oz steak enough? Are three yams enough? I buy way too much food. I feels like there is never enough.

I envy our cat. She gets all the food/petting and sleep she wants. When she wants more, she just asks. I could sleep all day. I have vivid dreams that sometimes are better than life.

Wow. I do ramble on. But it feels good to get it out there.

These are all thoughts/feelings I discovered or articulated last night. I think I need some more therapy.

I understand about it feeling good to get it out there. I am trying, with my blog, to get it out there so that in the future when I may forget, I can reread my thoughts and put myself back on track. Hence the blournal. More than a blog - but not a journal since it's public...

I lost my mom in May 2004. Sadly - I must share this - it never gets better, although it does change over time. I still miss her deeply. I wish I could have conversations with her about the current economic climate. I wish I could have conversations with her about my husband. I wish I could have her back. The "type" of missing is different, though, and the grief is something I am accustomed to, if you will. But one thing I will say there is it is ok to feel sad. How can you ever feel happy if you can't feel it's opposite? How can you ever feel anything beneficial if you can't feel it's opposite? I resisted that for so long - but something I've learned over time, especially with my husband - a good fight makes me LOVE him more! That anger, that frustration all equates to a better relationship and a stronger us. If you can manage it, don't resist the negative.

Easier said than done, for sure!

How do you start? Baby steps. How do you make yourself do things? Ask yourself if the alternative is better. Having a bad day? Would you rather be dead? Yes, harsh - but it's a wake up call. Bad days are STILL better than the alternative.

Don't want to push yourself? How will you ever be better? If you get out of bed every morning, though, then you ARE pushing yourself.

Sometimes it just takes a change in perspective, not a change in approach. Think of what you ARE doing, not what you THINK you are not doing. I guarantee you will find you are doing more than you think.

And one little disclaimer to make - I definitely don't mean to be coming across as preachy or bossy and if it seems that way then I am truly sorry. I'm suggesting alternative ways of thinking - that's all.

Thank you, ldswims. I really didn't think anyone would read my upchuck of thoughts/feelings, much less respond! And, no, you are not being preachy or bossy. This epiphany I had is still very new and I am still coming to grips with it. It actually feels less horrible now that I see it written. Less shame, somehow. I am open to other perspectives - I appreciate your words.