do you believe this statement? the paradox that we want to be known and loved for who we are; but refuse to reveal ourselves because we are afraid of rejection; creates a tremendous loneliness in our lives.

I was reading a book tonight and I read this sentence and it really spoke to me. So often I hide my imperfections because of the fear of rejection. Have you ever really thought about why you were or are overweight? Is it because we fear intimacy? Do we fear letting someone get close to us? That they could reject us if they really knew the true us?

So here it goes I am opening up to you my friends on this journey with me. I'm hoping that my fear of rejection will not be confirmed and that I will be able to trust and gain a level of intimacy that eventually I will feel comfortable expressing in person.

This week has been a really BAD week for me in the food category. I've over eaten, eaten things that I know I shouldn't and eaten again when I wasn't hungry all because someone really hurt my feelings and made me angry and I didn't understand it and I'm too mad to address it with him right now. Very destructive behaviors and I am working to address that within myself, thus the reason I was reading the book.

I have to admit that I don't let people get to know the true me because I have been hurt in the past, I've given myself freely and just been walked on or disregarded as if I didn't matter, like I was nothing. I've decided that I should write a letter to the people that have done this to me. Not for them to read, but for me to destroy and let go of the feelings attached to the hurt and damage they have caused my heart.

I'm a bit frustrated as you might be able to tell from this blog. It's ok though, it's my blog and that's what it's here for right? Just getting the inner turmoil out in the open and hopefully letting some lighter and more helpful feelings in.

I'm turning 39 this weekend and I'm feeling frustrated about that too. I'm not in a meaningful relationship and I feel it's my fault for not being able to open up to a certain level of intimacy. I tried calling the phyc today, but she did not answer. Not sure if that would help, but at this point I am willing to try anything.

Ok, I'm going to sign this off and go to bed so that I don't revert back to those oh so hurtful habits.

Thanks to all of you who read this blog.