I’m suffering. I’m rubbish. I’m a failure. I can’t do it.

I didn’t think I should write about this on a weight loss surgery blog as it doesn’t entirely have relevance. Especially as I signed out almost two months ago saying I wouldn’t be writing any more. Ah, but how the slow winter nights of insomnia have a way of thrusting the urge to splurge upon one’s frame.

So, why am I suffering? Why am I rubbish? A failure? And what exactly can’t I do? All will be revealed in the next exciting paragraph.

With as much stalling as I can muster – I am slowly coming to the painful realisation that I might well be an alcoholic.

Ouch. Did I say that?

Well – I may not be an alcoholic, but indeed I am a heavy drinker. All who know me and love or hate me will vouch for that very fact. But when it comes to being a true alcoholic – the definitions seem so muddy, I am not sure. Or am I?

I have no withdrawal symptoms when I stop and I am not dependent, but – I continue to drink despite the negative social effects, despite the financial drain on my less than healthy financial state and despite the effects it has on my health. This is where I am stretching the relevance to a weight loss issue. But lately, I am wondering whether it is more closely linked than I initially thought.

Over the last few months, my progress into the halls of The Temple of Normal BMI has halted. My eating has lessened and my exercise has increased. My drinking has also picked up a tad. Goddammit, there lies the big bloody bastard bugger-face staring me straight in the eyes. I know it’s there. I can see it plainly and simply. Alcohol is causing me to not lose weight, despite being over-tightened on the band front.

Alcohol is causing me to slowly lose friends. Alcohol is causing me to lose money. Alcohol is having great effects on my family life and alcohol is causing me to hate myself.

So you can see the attraction I have to it, eh!

I am writing this because I am so disappointed in myself and have used this outlet to vent and eventually feel better about the problems at hand. However, I don’t think this problem is going to be sorted by vitriolic venting.

What has become clear in this whole gastric band journey is the addiction I had to food – and probably still do. You may well catch me of an evening desperately trying to eat a juicy steak. After each mouthful – running to the lavatory to expel what I have just swallowed as my band is currently just a little too tight. I could easily eat less cumbersome things to ensure ease of passage – but I want the steak. And I will return to the plate and repeat the same procedure perhaps four or five times. Because the band hasn’t cured my need to satisfy my desire for flesh! But it has offered me a way to control it should I so desire. It has helped me realise my addiction more than anything else. A knowledge which I am grateful for; but sometimes a little foolhardy with. I have so far, despite my pitfalls and apparent bulimic state, been relatively good with all other food (I won’t bore you with my chocolate rushes).

Booze on the other hand has no control in place. I am at its mercy. In fact, I am at MY mercy. Let’s face it – I decide when to drink – I am aware and I am fully conscious of what it is doing.

I was under the grand illusions as I started to lose weight that I would quit drinking. I know the reason I do it and it is sadly very simple. I do it because I am terribly shy.

When I have had a drink however, I am quite the opposite. I become bombastic, gregarious and hugely annoying and people, despite their best efforts, can’t fail to notice me. Something in me likes that. The shy retiring giant hates being shy and retiring and craves people to remember him. Even if it means the memories for them are bad and the memories for me are non-existent.

I figured it would be the end to my drinking because I wouldn’t be so shy. Losing weight would give me more confidence and make me more outgoing and allow me to stand tall and have conversations with people on an equal standing knowing that they were talking to a person, not a walrus. But, such is life that when a walrus loses weight – it is still a walrus. I am still painfully shy and I still find it difficult to talk to people. Maybe years of fatness have ingrained shyness into my psyche or maybe I am just shy because I am.

The gastric band has given me a great opportunity to overcome some of my demons. An opportunity that I sometimes abuse and take for granted – time has a wonderful way of letting one forget their blessings. What it hasn’t done is offer me a cure for all of my other failings. Perhaps writing this will be the first step on another journey of self-discovery and perhaps it will just be another piece of prose that adds to my posthumous biography that will never be written.

I decided to write this because I do feel it is of relevance to people considering having the surgery as it has shown me that I was perhaps a little over-eager to consider it the answer to my problems instead of a pretty good guide to help me find my own answers – a guide that is sometimes ignored.

So, after that marathon outpouring of in most angst and in summation:

I’m suffering - yes I am, but I am admitting I need help, so my suffering on that side of things is perhaps no longer in silence and it may well help my future efforts.

I’m rubbish - yes again. But, I know I have a way to crawl out of the trash can. It’s just up to me to do it.

I’m a failure - not entirely, because it’s not yet over. Maybe I can turn things around.

I can’t do it - Yes I can.

Originally posted at: www.lapbandblog.org.uk

Wow, I seems that ur going through a whole lot of different issues and drinking is ur escape , ur not alone lots of people are also go through the same thing they just don’t have enough courage to say it or write it out loud just as u have ! My husband is also shy and he drinks because he also feels he helps to loosen him up, however I try to tell him that I enjoy that person that he is and that he must learn to feel confident in his own skin and who he is without anything altering his personality, I would say the same for you!!! You need to get to know u and who u r without food or alcohol and learn to embrace that!! I am sure Ur a great person also surround Ur self with positive people and positive things!!!! Take care and I hope these words help!!! awill

I believe you will find your way. Glad you are still blogging. I also put it down along with many other failings of my own. If you take it slow one step at a time, for me it seems like a second at a time the path will be found. You are not alone!!! You are NOT a failure, this is NOT rubbish, Yes you're suffering is REAL. I hear your pain. You CAN do it YES YOU CAN Believe in the power of positive thinking. Thanks for sharing. I am having insomnia myself today. Glad I had something GOOD to read this morning. imaluckydog

Hey Boss Hear ya, understand ya! I am worried abou tthe exact issue. Keep stong, you have come this far

When I saw that you'd just posted, I was so excited. He's back!! I came to this place after you were long gone, but through random clicks on miscellaneous blogs, had come across one of yours. It touched me so much, that I then went back and read each and every one of them, amazed at your prowess with words, amazed at how I could relate to so much of your emotion. You have a succinct way of exposing your underbelly in such a shoot-from-the-hip manner. Then as I got to the end of your posts, and you said you had nothing else to say and was leaving, I felt saddened -- because you, like no other, get to the absolute heart of things for us all.

I was hoping as I began reading your latest post that it would be filled with the halleluiah's and whoops and whistles from your most recent victory over the hunger demons -- but, of course, that wasn't what I found. Once again, I found a straightforward heartfelt post that we can all relate to in one way or another.

I can very much relate to your relationship with alcohol. It's all so familiar to me - "Am I an alcoholic, am I not -- maybe I can just drink more like a lady if I try harder, maybe if I just switch to beer and lay off the hard stuff." All of that internal dialogue I was intimately familiar with for about 25 years. Five and a half years ago, I realized that the label didn't matter, it all boiled down to one thing: alcohol was prohibiting me from being the person I wanted to be -- somebody that I could be proud of -- and I quit. Yep, have not had a drink since. I was sick of it all, and finally found some internal source of power that told me to stop all the messing around and get to the task at hand -- changing my life and stop all the crap feelings telling me I had no choice in the matter. I found an online sponsor to help me with some of the AA stuff, and got on with discovering who I was without alcohol. I can tell you that it is all TOTALLY relevant and runs concurrently with our food issues. I know that many of us will spend our lifetime digging down there to find out the root of it all. The whole point of it is -- when you decide, really decide, that you want to make a change in your life, whether it be alcohol, overeating or other poor life choices -- you most certainly have the fortitude to do it. Just take the steps to make these changes, and they will happen.

What I've discovered for myself is that life goes by so quickly. As friends and family members die, this realization is solidified for me. And I, for one, have decided that I'm not going to let another day, month, year, DECADE go by being somebody I don't want to be and feeling like I'm the victim.

A very wise man (okay, my oldest brother) once told me years ago, "You're in a deep hole, waiting for somebody to throw you a rope, and you can't even see that there's a ladder right there next to you."

May you find your ladder. And please keep posting -- you add such texture to this site.

Cindy

I stand and tip my hat to you all. Thank you for your positive encouragement and words of concern.

awill - they do indeed help. Thank you.

imaluckydog - very much appreciated thank you - I believe!

PJB - If I knew what the exact issues were, that would be a way to help out a million others. Not only would I bottle that - I'd sell it too! Thank you.

arkansasbandster - a lot of encouragement there. I indeed need to find my internal source of inspiration (as opposed the the external sauce I am currently working with!). A very strong quote there. I'm hoping this has been the first step on the ladder - indeed four little extra steps have been added on top of my first.

Thanks again people (here's me with a big fat glass of water in my hand...and a piece of chocolate - baby steps!)

I, too, was happy to see your post even though it sounds like it was gut-wrenching for you to write. I have always admired people who are courageous enough to turn around and face the demons snapping at their heels - and you have done that. Kudos to you. I also appreciate that you have validated what I suspected; that we can only truly discover the demons once we lose our security blankets (eating). I'm only two months into this process and just got my first fill - I'm even more sure now that the demons are around the corner.

So...good for you for being brave enough to turn around and face that demon. I'll be sending warrior-type thoughts your way and you wade into battle!