well, I'm taking another shot at this journal thing. Maybe it will help me think a little clearer. I am so stressed right now. Maybe if I write down all of my stresses, I can see them for what they really are and figure out how to deal with them. Here they are:

P- I weighed myself and I am up to 139lbs. I haven't seen this number in a long time. The problem is that I haven't really found any restriction lately and I have been drinking more. It's all a domino effect. I am drinking more because I am more stressed. I stress, drink, eat, and stress about eating. I am stressed because I am on paranoid mode and am scared that something has happened to my band.

S- 1. Limit the drinking to one drink.

2. Don't get up to eat at night.

3. Keep a bottle of water next to my bed.

4. Find other things to do with my time.

5. Start cooking better meals.

P- I am being sewed for the car accident. I have to appear in court and there is a possibility that the judge might rule against me.

S- 1. This is not in my hands. There is nothing I can do about this, except to let what is going to happen, happen. Stressing about it is not going to improve the outcome. Don't stress about this.

P- There are several new people in the clinic. I haven't made the very best impression. I haven't been very friendly, and I don't think they like me. I wish I was more social towards people instead of being so reserved. I am reserved because I am scared of being rejected. I'm scared of looking stupid. I feel so alone at work. I don't know why I even care. I've been at this job for 4 years and don't really have any co-worker friends. I guess that it has just hit me all at once because I realized that not a lot of people like me. My fellow coders at the RBO don't like me either. The only people that truly like me is my family, and that's because they HAVE TO. Just realizing this makes me want to cry. I truly am a good person. I realize though, that I don't put forth enough effort to be a good person and to help people. I AM SO SELFISH! I realized anothing thing, just by typing this. The little voices in my head, the ones that put me down, the ones that used to come every time I broke my diet and ate something bad, their back. They have just taken over my key-board. NO I am not a schizo. Most overweight people know what I'm talking about.

S- Try to be more friendly. Let go of my inabishins (sp?). Don't punish myself. Let it go. Don't drink to drown out the voices and the stresses in my life. Don't worry so much about what other people think.

I think that's it. I will start today by only having one drink. Change one thing at a time. Don't stress about making changes. Go with the flow and realize that God will see me through anything that comes my way. And most importantly, appreciate everything in my life.