This is a subject of a more serious nature. It has to do with my emotions, or lack of emotion on a subject. My mother’s best friend Edna has stage 4 lung cancer, and is going to be passing on. I feel numb, with out emotion at all toward this subject. Growing up, our family was very close to theirs. She was like a second mom to me. Having little or no emotion causes me to feel bad and closed off from her.

My dear mom is very upset, and is having difficulty dealing with the change in life. I am doing my best to be supportive, and say things that will make her feel better, however I find myself feeling numb. I realize why I am feeling the way I do. I am hoping a bit of writing will help me process and share what is going on. I’ll have to share a bit of a back story. So, please bear with me as I fill in some details.

I am not entirely sure how old I was, but I will say young. Around kindergarten, first grade time frame of my life. My mom would have her best friend Edna’s boys’ watch us when they would go out. The boys’ names are Kenny and Alan. At any rate, I remember when they watched us we would play hide and go seek. We were paired up, and Kenny was always my partner. He and I hid in my parents’ closet. While we were waiting to be found, he pulled out his penis and made me stroke it. I remember my cheeks burning with embarrassment and I felt scared and forced to do something I didn’t want to do.

When I told my parents about it, I remember getting in trouble for telling stories. I have always been an emotional person, and my mother thought I was not telling the truth and being dramatic. (I would cry when I told her about what was happening, why a kid would make something like that up is beyond me.) I continued speaking out, and they continued punishing me. Telling me what I was saying was not true. Oh denial is not bliss! It was not until my brother stepped in to advert a spanking for my tails, to defend me, and say my story was true, that I stopped getting into trouble. I was to young to know what went on, but I knew the boys’ didn’t watch us anymore from that time on.

My folks handled the situation in the poorest of ways, they did nothing. Well, that is not exactly true, the boys never baby sat again, and my mother gave Kenny a tongue lashing, and told him she was keeping her eye on him.

There are several issues that stemmed from this. My protectors did little to keep me safe. Our families where very close, we spent large amounts of time together, and that did not change. Mom and dad decided to not say anything. Our families where so close and by bring up what happened it would surely change the relationships between the two. My father thought I wouldn’t remember, as I was a young girl when this happened. Little did they know, it broke something inside of me and changed me for my life to come.

Okay, so this really has little to do with Edna, and she has been a great friend to my mother and has always shown us love. When I talk to my mom and she brings up the subject, I don’t have any feelings. When my mother cries and struggles for words, I set there blankly not feeling anything. Right now my mother has been traveling back in forth from her house to Edna’s caring for her. Helping her do what needs to be done. She is a dying woman with little strength or stamina left.

The only time I feel anything is when she brings up Kenny’s name. Then I feel anger and I want to say so much. Mostly I want to say don’t utter his name to me. I realize my parents are wrong, and we do not see eye to eye on what happened when I was a child or how they choose to deal with the fall out. I can not change them, or even get them to see my point of view. That fact I have accepted, and feel at peace about. What is hard for me is to listen to her talk about “him” to me. Have some tact and respect. She has a totally different perspective of what happened. I get that, but she knows how I feel about the subject. The only reason I am cutting her slack and not saying how I feel is to let her feel sadness and grief with out shutting the door to her.

I know I will not be attending Edna’s funeral. I can’t trust myself to be respectful and honor her life. You know the saying …. “There is a time and place for everything.” I truly feel like if I would see Kenny, I would go up to him and speak my mind. Right there at the funeral. Oh wouldn’t that be nice. Me in all my grownupness and Kenny, talking about how he use to abuse me. What a shock to his wife and kids. My mother would be so happy!

I have thought about finding him over the years, just to say what I wanted to say, but I had chosen to remain silent. Now I know where he lives, I suppose I will have to decide if I want to write him a letter or call him. At any rate, talking to my mom about this has let me know although I have come a long way from where out of the woods emotionally on this subject.

I realize it is not Edna’s fault, why am I blocked emotionally when it comes to grief? I do know this, while I have been typing this out, the foodie in me has emerged. I went and bought a scrambled egg. Food is still my solace……at least I am choosing better even if I have chosen to eat my emotions. Baby steps, and progress not perfection. Right?! A scrambled egg is better than a pumpkin pie….a whole pumpkin pie.

The inability to feel the emotions is a brick wall you have built all those years ago as a defense against the abuse. Find a local therapist who specializes is EMDR. EMDR is a type of therapy where in one or two sessions they help you process through the pain you experienced as a 6 y.o. I speak from experience it can be the most amazing gift you give yourself and your future happiness. Good Luck and you showed tremendous strength in sharing your story.

I know that must have been very hard for u to let the feelings out. It has been years since the inccident occured and still to this day u still have anger built inside, which I think is understandable, I believe for u to move forward u need to confront this person and just let him no what he put u thru and how much u have suffered emotionally. If u ever need to talk..my door is always open.. sometimes its easier to talk to strangers then to talk to family.. cuz they dont judge u...

Jdtspals - do you know what EMDR stands for? Thanks for bringing this treatment up.

Truely I feel like this process is like peeling an onion. Just when you think things are in a good place, low and behold, another layer needs to be peeled.

Vmack2001 - You are such a sweet person to reach out and offer an ear to me. I want to say thank you. You are right, I do have anger. Anger that he could be doing this to other little girls, anger because this could still be happening. Anger because my protectors did not protect me and are sick enough to be in the offenders presents. Those feelings are strong. I believe you are correct. I do need to confront Kenny about his sick behavior. A phone call or letter will be in order. I think by taking this action, I will feel a change inside me as well. For years I have thought about how he got away with it and wondered if he has/had done it to someone else. Those thoughts haunt me. Anyway, thank you for your response it means alot to me. Strangers make the best ears, you are right.

I may be out of line here but I would absolutely NOT recommend contacting him.

I was raped while in the Navy and have had to deal with years of my own personal he!!. I know what you are talking about and I can say in no uncertain terms that confronting him will not make this better. Nor will it stop it from happening to others. In fact, it's more likely to make it happen to others as he attempts to justify what he did. You can go to the police about it (which isn't really going to do much given how much time has past) or you can go to therapy.

Furthermore, holding onto anger towards your parents will not resolve anything either. I remember when I told my mom what happened to me, she just listened stoically and then went on with life. I didn't find out until AFTER she died that it tore her up and so in order to stay strong for me, which was what I needed then, she did nothing. My mother was molested as a little girl and so knew what I was enduring, to an extent.

Personally, I went after the food after all was said and done to "make myself unattractive" thinking it would save me from a possible rape repeat. Ridiculous thinking. Therapy was my answer. And now the weight won't leave.

As for the grief you think you aren't feeling - that's what numbness is. You can't be happy, even with all this. You have anger at your parents and at Kenny but not Edna and deep down you know that. When my mom was on her deathbed after a long hard battle with colon cancer I was numb. I couldn't feel anything. I could and did understand that feeling anything wasn't going to change it. And you will enter a new stage of grief when it's over. But this is part of the process, it isn't abnormal and you have a choice here - support your mother or give yourself something to regret later.

Believe me, hard as it is to "let go" of the past, it's even harder to hang on....

Again, sorry if I'm out of line, but I couldn't keep mum on this. You are right for everything you are thinking and feeling. And you are not out of line for having your very own perspective in your very own world.

Idswim - no you are not out of line one bite. I appreciate your comments. I was in therapy but had to stop my sessions. Money is tight, so I blog what I feel think and do some other stuff on the side. I really appreciate you taking the time to share your story with me. It sounds like you have come along way.