I really don't know why I am sabotaging my body. I know better, I really do. I was a drug addict before many years ago and was clean for a long time. However, over the last few months I have sniffed a few lines here and there and also have taken ectasy. I took FOUR ecstasy pills yesterday. I love the feeling of "feeling" different. I used to use food as my drug and now it seems I am getting cravings for other things too. I also have an OTC sleeping pill addition to. I sometimes have to take 4 tylenol pm's or equivelant to go to sleep at night. This overwhelming feeling of wanting to change my reality over boredom is REALLY, REALLY horrible. I pray for hours on end for forgiveness. I don't want to die. I have everything to live for, a great job, a WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL son & daughter. I love God. I know it is going against him to defile my body, but somehow, that is not enough. I have no self-control or will power, I will cave in a minute. The crazy thing about this is I have been exercising like a mad woman to "help my body". Just want to be a normal 34 year old woman. Why do I feel like I am still a 19 year old living in a 34 year old body? My son recently moved to live with my parents because he wants to finish high school in the town we are from. My daughter is in Pittsburgh with her biological mother (I am her step-mother) and I have nothing stopping me or helping me in my will power. No, it's not an every day thing, it is an every few weeks thing. But I DID do lines 2 weeks post op and I was so worried about hurting my band, but did that stop me? NO! I am such a mess. This took a lot to write this down and strip myself naked but I can't keep living a lie.

You are not a loser!!!! Maybe you are having upseting feelings because the kids are not at home, which is quite common. I know, that you know drugs are bad, so I am not going to focus on that. Maybe you just need more tactile, in your face support, like treatment, accupunture, hypnosis, meetings, or a counsilor. Someone that your going to have to be accountable to. I so understand the addiction, I smoke, have for 20 years, and I struggle everyday. Wednesday hubby said he was leaving after I finish school, I was devistated and stayed in bed all day Thursday.... But I was still smoking, and am still smoking, although not infront of him. He appologized and said he was just mad and really wasnt leaving, but WTH????? I know its bad for my body, and his but its like a tic embedded on my back that I can not extract. I will pray for us both!!!! Lord knows we need some miracles over here!

Ok girl - now you got yourself a band - a personal trainer - a group of people who love you and want to support you --- but you have to hold your chin up girl and help yourself!!! Find some FRIENDS and keep busy! Those two things will help tremendously --- horray on making the decision to overcome your food issues- NOW it is time to do something else for yourself - quit the other addictions - no one expects you to do it alone - find a good counselor and some friends for support - please love yourself TWICE as much as you love others! I'll keep you in my prayers! Promise!

Yessssss you are on a ball and you are going in the right direction. Don't look back and go forward. Do get new friends to keep you busy and also find a counselor. Accountability is key to your success. God knows and he still loves you. Thank God for his grace and mercy.

Big HUGGSSS[/b]:emoticon(':hugz')"]

Hey Girl,

My 2 cents - we do things to sabotage because we feel that is what we DESERVE or we are crying out for attention. We all do it, I do it too. I hope you can come to a place where you understand that you deserve a better life. And your kids deserve for you to have a better life. Before i was banded I almost backed out, but I spent some time with a family friend who was obese her whole life, she is close to 60 yrs old now and takes 25+ meds a day. I refuse to end up like her and that was my deciding factor. No matter how miserable I am feeling right now post op, I will not have to be like her in the next 30 years.

Please know that everyone has little hiccups now and then and you know the right thing to do and how to move forward, I trust you will do so.

keep your chin up fellow 30 something chica!