I'm a Drug addict, I'm a loser
I really don't know why I am sabotaging my body. I know better, I really do. I was a drug addict before many years ago and was clean for a long time. However, over the last few months I have sniffed a few lines here and there and also have taken ectasy. I took FOUR ecstasy pills yesterday. I love the feeling of "feeling" different. I used to use food as my drug and now it seems I am getting cravings for other things too. I also have an OTC sleeping pill addition to. I sometimes have to take 4 tylenol pm's or equivelant to go to sleep at night. This overwhelming feeling of wanting to change my reality over boredom is REALLY, REALLY horrible. I pray for hours on end for forgiveness. I don't want to die. I have everything to live for, a great job, a WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL son & daughter. I love God. I know it is going against him to defile my body, but somehow, that is not enough. I have no self-control or will power, I will cave in a minute. The crazy thing about this is I have been exercising like a mad woman to "help my body". Just want to be a normal 34 year old woman. Why do I feel like I am still a 19 year old living in a 34 year old body? My son recently moved to live with my parents because he wants to finish high school in the town we are from. My daughter is in Pittsburgh with her biological mother (I am her step-mother) and I have nothing stopping me or helping me in my will power. No, it's not an every day thing, it is an every few weeks thing. But I DID do lines 2 weeks post op and I was so worried about hurting my band, but did that stop me? NO! I am such a mess. This took a lot to write this down and strip myself naked but I can't keep living a lie.
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