Yesterday I saw had a series of appointments that left me mentally exhausted, mildly depressed and angry to the point I have decided to take the rest of the week off from work because I just do not have the energy to deal with anyone right now.

My morning started off with a visit to the counselor. As usual she was a delight to talk to and after we played catch up (I hadnt seen her in a year+) she told me she would contact the psych so I could get cleared and we planned to touch base next month.

I then headed to the surgeon's office which had been moved due to flooding. The small cramped temporary office was uncomfortable and the staff seemed as cranky as the patients who now had a longer wait time because there was only 2 exam rooms. My appointment with the vascular surgeon to discuss the placing of the filter to prevent clots was cancelled without explanation. I saw the nutrionist who always gives me the impression she wishes she was fishing or something. She weighed me (i lost 1 whole pound) and then began to tell me what was good and bad about my food diary. Although she is encouraging, I always feel like she is talking to me like I am a food idiot. Next was this nurses practioner who I had seen at support meetings. I had never seen her before and if I never see her again I would be fine. She had the skinny girl snobby attitude thing about her and after a while I completely shut down because she was such a b*tch. I also checked with the office manager about my sleep study follow up explaining I had left because I was told via phone I had mild sleep apnea and I would probably be treated after surgery. Well that was not in the report sent to the doctor and according to them I would need to be treated at least 2 weeks prior to surgery. My next appt date with the sleep study people..11/24. Yeah November. At that point, the wind was fully let out of my sails, and I was too angry to think, let alone reschedule my appointment with the surgeon who said he wanted me to return in 6 more weeks. I told the secretary I would call her back since its really no point in returning until after I see the sleep people since I do not have the time to take off from work and I have grown very tired of paying all of these co-pays and spending all this time running around to be no closer than I was a month ago. As I walked over to the hospital to get the thyroid ultrasound also suggested by the surgeon, I thought about throwing my hands up and trying to either lose weight on my own or just accept who I am as I am. Because my self esteem has been taking more of a beating going through this process than it had ever before. But I went anyway and 10 minutes later was told my the xray tech that I DID have an enlarged thyroid and nodes on each side. WHAT!!!! I have been hearing for years that I should have my thryoid checked by different doctors only to have my PCP dismiss it as me just having "a fat neck". My level of discouragement instantly shot up another 100 points and I left the hospital with my head hung low, my disappointment level even higher and the realization this will definitely delay my surgery even more because now I will have to be treated for the thyroid.

When I got home later, I read my horoscope and it was weird. It suggested I finish painting. It went into detail saying..you picked the color, you got the paint, you prepared the house, now get to painting and finish. I saw the message between the lines and realized despite the delays this will cause, I can not quit at this point but instead use this additional time to really get my mind right and to change the habits I continue to struggle with. While having the date now pushed out probably until Dec at this point (which actually coincides with my original desires to do it around Christmas) is disappointing, I will keep doing God is directing me to do since I always believed this is His will and not mine and things will work out based on that.

keep your chin up, the devil loves it when your miserable, do not give him the satisfaction of knowing its bothering you. put it in gods hands. I will be praying for you. keep us posted.