I told myself on my last entry that I would not return to this site until I had something change but with such a stretch between my last appointment and my next (on Monday, 9/22) I felt the NEED to read posts of others for encouragement and to blog about this today because I lost focus again (and ate like every day was the last supper) as well as really started to have some serious doubts about myself (Will I be one of the many successful bandsters or will I fail?) and if I was making the right decision (after all rice is my all time favorite food!) I got myself out of that rut after watching a Wayne Dyer program about making excuses on PBS. On the show he had this guy who had been burned over 98% of his body, had lost his hands, yet still fulfilled his dream to be a musician. Not just any musician..he is a drummer. He even played (quite well) and it dawned on me..if a man without hands can play drums, I can succeed. I just have to get seriously focused and change how I am thinking about the surgery, food and myself. I have a very strong feeling that I will not be getting surgery as soon as I initially thought (early October) simply because I have been unable to meet with my counselor, who needs to verify with the psych I saw on my consult that I am seeking counseling. My PCP is also sending me to have my thyroid checked again at the request of the surgeon. (despite being told for years its enlarged, nothing has ever been found--I think I just have a fat neck) The surgeon also wants me to get on birth control, despite me telling him at my age and with 2 teenage daughters the last thing I want is to get pregnant, but I am going to go see a gyno anyway and see if she can possibly just tie my tubes when I get the surgery since I will be open anyway and definitely do not intend to have any more children. That appointment isnt until Oct 5th, so there goes early October. I kinda wanted to wait closer to December anyway because I could ten stay out of work during the holidays since the shrink told me she wanted me to take off 4-6 weeks. (dont have to tell me twice lol) So in the next 3-4 weeks I have tons of appointments and still lots of uncertainties. I was hoping to lose some of the weight I gained by the time I returned, but it didnt happen :tongue_smilie:.. I didnt gain..but as of this past Saturday when I saw my PCP, I was the same weight. No real shocker there. I haven't really tried. I have had just as many "bad days" as I have had "good days" with my food intake. I have been trying to also find a good protein bar realizing how important that is going to become after surgery. No real luck there. I am not a candy eater and they all seem to be made with chocolate or peanut butter like its supposed to trick you into thinking its a treat, but it all seems to have like a powdery aftertaste that just grosses me out, so I also have to work on that.

I wrote my sister a long letter because I havent been able to talk to her since she text me one day and made a comment about she guess I dont want to be bothered until after I have WLS after not hearing from me for a couple of days. It pissed me off because it was so unnecessary and she seems to think I am getting this magic pill from a genie in a lamp and I am going to be a size 6 next week and move to beautiful people land and leave her where she is since we are currently the same size. If anything I would think she would be happy since I promsied to send her all my clothes and I have some really nice clothes. So I broke it all down to her..my fears, doubts and the reality of WLS. I hope she understands where I am coming from, but I definitely do not intend to stress it if she doesnt.

Mr. Wilson and I still have no discussed things. I think he believes it was a passing fancy and I have changed my mind. He is so wrong. I have only set it aside until I have a date to simply avoid getting angry because he refuses to see any point of view but his own.

I know I am kinda all over the place, but that;s how I feel. Restless. Anyone that says or thinks this is easy, need to loan me the magic wand they were given because this is feeling harder than losing weight "the old fashioned way" and I am not even banded yet! UGH!