My thoughts tonight

After the comments back and forth surrounding the Dr. Ortiz thread I felt the need to vent some on a separate thread.

I won't rehash what was already said on that thread. I will simply state my thoughts and how I am dealing with it all.

I was very offended by the comments of both Dr. Ortiz and Dr. Pleatman. I addressed those on that thread.

When thinking about my own personal demons I reflect on what got me so mad and upset over those comments. I realized it was one more thing telling me that no matter what I try it won't work. I will forever be fat. My insecurities came out when both their comments seemed insensitive and detached. This pissed me off as an RN and it pissed me off as a patient.

This anger does me NO GOOD. I just need to redirect these feelings of failure with the band in a more positive light. I know I have lost weight with the band. I see this. I feel this. But I am focusing on now that I don't have the band anymore what will I do to keep off what I lost. It is hard to see past one minute of one hour of one day.

I come here for support and understanding and compassion to get through the rough times. I don't come here for seemingly uncaring surgeons to suggest I 'get over' losing the band. Yes it might have been an unfortunate mistake for him to have said that and he might truly be sorry for the comment. But I just simply don't think he gets how damaging that statement could be.

So, I am rambling here and alot of this might not make any sense at all. This is more for me than anything else. Sort of a cathartic exercise.

I am really struggling on a day to day basis. I get up and eat my breakfast and do really well till around 2 or 3 pm. Then it all falls apart. I am travelling right now and that makes it harder to stick to the Nutrisystem diet. I am struggling to get in my water. I was doing so well the first two weeks. I even lost 6 lbs on it in the first two weeks. Now I am away from home and really worried I am gaining back the weight. I am so upset with myself right now. I have struggled to keep honest and to be accountable. That is hard to do. I eat really good then I screw it up. So I start the day all over again the next day telling myself "today will be different" and it isn't.

The one thing that worked for me was having the Band. Now that is gone. So, I am on this roller coaster of eating right and eating junk every day. My body is not liking it either. My joints are aching, my back is more sore than usual, headaches are returning, I have noticed my ankles are swelling more along with my fingers as well. All this was going on before I was banded. So does this mean I am regressing? YES!! And this is what scares me.

I am so happy for Michelle that she has moved on and facing her demons as best she can. I am struggling with this same issue.

To those that supported and said such sweet things on the Dr. Ortiz thread I am proud to call you part of my band family.

To those that expressed a differing opinion, I respect your statements but walk a mile in my shoes first before making a suggestion that by me raising a couple of questions and making a couple of comments would run off any doctor.

To those that have had really great experiences in Mexico, I am truly happy for you and I pray that you continue to have those great experiences. I would not wish what I have gone through on anyone friend or foe.

To those that are new and just starting the process, do your homework. Know that if you chose Mexico please have local aftercare set up. Otherwise know that if you have an emergent situation you will need to go back to your band surgeon. This could raise some difficult issues you will need to face rather quickly that you hadn't thought through.

I really care about each and every one of you guys. I would offer my support and understanding and can assure you of me being non judgmental.

The only thing I ask in return is that I receive the same of which I have on many occasions and most likely will in the future as well.

G-nite family.