7/28/09

I must hate myself. Right? why else would I do this to myself. I’m like a fast food junkie. This must be what it feels like to be hooked on crack. Always thinking about your next hit and where it’s going to come from. The moment I feel a twinge of lunch-time hunger I’m all about where I’m going to snag my next “hit”. Then I eat and for about 30 seconds I enjoy it right before the guilt sets in. Then about 10 minutes later I feel terrible. Bloated and full and yucky, which just accentuates the guilt. And the cycle continues…I must hate myself. right? or I wouldn’t eat like I do.

I’m actually to a point where I’m going to have a doctor surgically restrict my stomach capacity. Oh God please don’t let me fail. This is like my only chance. All I have to do is follow the rules. I try so hard to be optimistic and not think about the possibility of failure but it’s there. In my head, it’s there. That voice, that sounds oddly like my mothers, saying “why bother, you’re not going to be able to follow the rules.” Am I in denial because I’m not allowing myself to really even think about the possibility of failure or is that what I’m supposed to do? If the root cause is self hate then really will the surgery even work? Have I been fooling myself all these years into thinking I liked myself? I’m mean really I must hate myself. right? or I wouldn’t eat like I do….