I feel like I'm on the edge of very high cliff and it will only take a small push and I will be falling,falling and falling. I have only myself to blame for all my unhappiness. I keep looking for things and when I find them I'm just sick at heart.

I really don't know what to make of all the e-mails my husband gets from a former co-worker. Since he retired in April he almost always gets at least one e-mail a week from this person. Now I don't really care except he hides them from me. I know he gets them, then he deletes them. I know he replys because he gets replys back. I don't really know whats going on, but last Friday nite he got one from her home email not work and the title was "Man I could use a shoulder now." He reads them and never says whats going on, this last one he didn't delete completely off the computer. I want really bad to read it, but feel that is betraying him. I just don't know what is going on. I don't know how to ask him without sounding completely crazy.

I know he doesn't care for me like he use to. I know I disappoint him. I know I was never good enough for him. I know he hates it that I'm so fat. I know all these things why can't I just lose the weight, I know it would improve things alot. I feel as if he is ashamed to be seen with me. We never go anywhere. He never says I Love You, even through I have told him how important to me it is. I have asked to held and hugged, but he always acts like a little boy being punished. So I quite asking for him to do those things. He hates to hold hands or to kiss. What have I done wrong. I have done this for so long, that I don't really have any ideas anymore.

So tonight I feel as if I'm on the edge. I have always loved him. But he hides things from me and its not just the co-worker. There are other thing too and it hurts when you hear things from other people. Then when I say something he admits he knew, but just didn't tell me.

Life is so messy, so confusing and walls are so hard to break down.

He told me serveral years ago that he has never had an affair and he never would. I do really trust him, but it this other person that I don't trust. I just think its wrong to e-mail another persons spouse. Maybe if he told me what was going on it would be ok. I do know that she asked his to lunch sometime and I know so far he hasn't gone. Maybe I'm just to old fashioned. Maybe I'm just crazy. I do know that I'm scared that I will wake someday and he will be gone.