I know things are getting serious because I'm starting to display some thought patterns that I display only when I'm REALLY scared.

Had my pre-op testing yesterday. All went well as far as I can tell (no "OMG" from the xray tech, no nurses running out to check me into the hospital because my urine was bad, etc.). The only minor snafu was a scheduling mix-up - so I have to go back on Friday for the Pulmonary Function Test. Tomorrow I start my pre-op diet of Optifast. I'm making lists of things to buy, testing protein drinks (thank you www.BariatricEating.com for the sampler pack!) So things are in the home stretch.

And now my head starts playing games with me. In the past whenever I got close to tackling the "weight issue" I suddenly had other issues that were far more stressful and important and DISTRACTING.

So...the first distracting game my head played was "My husband is not good for me, I need to leave him." I decided to officially not decide anything on that until 1 year from now. I am going to concentrate on my health. I won Round One.

Today....the distracting game is "I hate my job. I don't want to work for anyone. I need to start my own business." Now...I suggest you read my last blog entry...the one where I said "I LOVE MY EMPLOYER"...yeah - that one.

So JUST as I'm about to open up Monster.com a little voice - one I don't think I've ever heard before - said "Are you CRAZY???" Actually the "f" word was in there too...

That's when I realized that WOW my head is really playing games on this...so when I face the real emotions....I'm TERRIFIED.

A moment long reflection on that and I realize it's the same old fears....I was sexually abused my entire teen-age years and my weight has served as a good abuse-prevention (who would want to touch a enormously fat woman?). When I lose the weight EVERYTHING is going to be out there in the oogling range of EVERY ONE.

SOOOOooooo....deep breath. I am determined. I am going to feel the fear and do it anyway. I am going to say "F U" to that terrified voice and seize my life and God protect any man or woman who lays a hand on me without my consent ever again.

"F U" Do you HEAR ME SCREAMING IT? NO MORE controlling my life. I'm going to run the show now! "F U"!!!!

Round Two to ME!

well I can't speak for anyone but myself but I wasn't offended. It was like reading a blog that I would have written for myself. I am in that final stage. We will be submitting my paperwork for insurance approval next week and I find myself sabotoging anything that has to do with the surgery. Good luck on your journey.