Blog 42354

debbieperez55 · July 12, 2009

I guess I wanted a relationship so badly with my Mom that I started to sacrafice myself, AGAIN. She even began telling me what I could eat or not eat, what I should wear and how I should cut my hair. She even said that I needed to do something with my midsection, it is really too big. HELLO, can you say excess skin!!!!! And for some reason my port sticks out. But I am okay with it, I really am. My hubby says, hey look how far you have come. The hanging skin doesn't bother him in the least. I am the same person he married, I weigh a lot less, but all the skin is still there.

Getting back to this, I didn't see her last Friday and I haven't spoken to her since Tuesday. It is as if a weight has been lifted. She would keep dragging me in deeper and deeper into her twisted world. She would tell me that my Dad was in bed with her last night. Then she would tell me how much she missed him and how she wished she was with him.

Now you should know my Mom is the center of her world, she has a habbit of making everything revolve around her. So is should be no surprise that she alienates those around her. My younger brother did not speak to her for year due to her abuse. My older brother lives up north and is far enough away to be "away from it all" Even still when she went up to visit with them she got upset because he suggested that she get involved, she get up and exercise or just do something. My brother really pissed her off when he said that she should go walking with me. And the topper was when he suggested that she also get the band. She has gained at least 50 pounds in the last 6 months. But she would rather complain than do something for herself. She will not go to a Senior center, she doesn't like all the old people and she will not get active. She sits on her couch and does nothing except complain about the faults of those around her.

So to say that I feel liberated is an understatement. Do I feel sorry that I have cut off ties, after all she is old and she is my Mother, NO - I do not.

My Mother told my Daughter that it was her fault that I was so heavy. She would look at my Daughter and say, you sure have large hips for someone your size. Daughter is 5'4" and 110 pounds. Very petite and a size 3. Mom is 5'3" and at least 250. She is pear shapped and I helped her get some capri. I had her try a 3x. I know what size I was and I know what size she is. They fit perfectly. She INFORMED me "chastized me" that I had given her the wrong size. She does not wear a 3x, so she returned them.

So all my life I could do nothing correctly. If I vaccumed the floor, it was not done correctly. If I cooked dinner, I had not done it correctly. If I washed the dishes, I did not do them correctly. So I grew up knowing I was a complete failure. It took two years of therapy to get myself back and then I threw it all away because I felt guilty that my Father had died.

Well no more. I guess I need to take a page from my brothers. She will be alone, but it is a lonelyness of her own making. She drove us away with her abuse.

What would you do if you mother told you when you were a very young child that she didn't want you, you can go live with your father, they were fighting. And of course there is the one that will stay in my mind forever - I wish you had never been born. I countered with - you should have had an abortion. Not the most adult, but a knife just the same.

So it seems you cannot swallow the past. You cannot go on from a point and ignore all the hurt and pain of the past. The source of the pain remains You didn't cure anything, you just burried your head in the sand.

My Mother is a cruel and mean person. She is manipulative and nacasistic (not sure of the spelling on that). She cares for only herself and will do things that put herself in the good light. She has both physically and mentally abused me, my brothers, my children, my grandchildren and worse of all my FATHER.

Now she will reap what she has sewn. I will not be a part of this madness any longer. I will spend my days in more productive ways, loving my husband, my children and my grandchildren. I am going to spend the time I was devoting to her to them. I think it will be time well spent.

This will be the last blog about her. I have spent enough time on this subject and it is time to more on.

Thank you for letting my feelings be vented through this forum.