My Mother. I feel comfortable writing this because she doesn't have a computer. I do not like talking about people behind their backs, but this is mostly for me, from me.

My Mother is Mean and Self Centered. She always has been. No, I am not using this as a therapy couch, so I will just say that she is very Self Centered.

My Father died 3 1/2 years ago. Part of me died too. I hadn't talked to my mother in two years. While my Father was in the hospital I vowed to make up with my Mother. We didn't speak of the "fight" or the issues that caused us to not speak. We went forward, leaving the past in the past. I went over to her house every Friday, helped her around the house. I was the only child who helped her out. My closest brother hasn't spoken to her in a couple years now.

Well the past is never really in the past. Just like history the past will repeat itself. A leopard cannot change it's spots so to speak.

So from the moment of my father death I wanted to do what I thought he would want, reconcile with my Mother. She was after all, all I had left. At first I would not allow her to walk all over me. I would stand up and put her in her place. Then I started going back to my old ways, giving in to keep the peace.

My Mother's cruel streak reappeared, straight at my Daughter. My instincts kicked in. My Daughter was having her own drama, she worked, had a husband and a child, she goes to school part time and her Father In Law was terminally ill. He only had a few weeks to live. My Mother was upset that my Daughter did not drop what she was doing to return her calls. It didn't matter what else was going on, My Mother felt she came first. Even over a dying person.

Then came the "door bell" incident. My Son In Law installed it, I bought it. It was a birthday present. You would think she would be grateful and thank me but she was unhappy and made me miserable because she was unahppy with the buzzer location. Instead of nicely telling me or anyone she attacked me about it. So I went and moved the damn thing. That was the begging of June. End of June, Mother bought my daughter a tomato plant and an upside down growing thing. Now she told my Son In Law that it was for Daughter's Birthday, one week later. Son In Law took that it was a surprise. My Mother TOLD Son In Law that he had to take that damn plant out of his truck quickly, as soon as they got home.

That is the Saturday that Son In Law's Father took a turn for the worse. Daughter had to leave the party and go straight to her Father In Law's home. They were there until midnight.

Tuesday My Mother bitched at me that my Daughter had not "thanked her" for the plant. It was such a nagging and complaining, I called my Daughter. She knew nothing of the plant. She asked her Husband who was shocked, told her he was told it was a surprise, he had hidded it and kept it alive.

The next day I told my Mother about this. She went bullistic. I asked why she had to be so mean, they were going through a lot. Then she hit me with the YOU ALWAYS STICK UP FOR HER you never stick up for your son. And then came the final blow, she complained that they did not take the plant out of the truck as she had told them to. She was mad that they had gone straight to his dying father's house and had not gone home first to take that stupid plant out of the truck. She started bitching at me - So I hung up.

It has gotten worse from there. Father In Law died, a horrible, painful death. Son In Law was there anytime my Mother needed something done around her house. SHE NEVER CALLED TO OFFER HER CONDOLENCES AND SHE DID NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL.

We quit talking for those two years because of my Mother's self centeredness and cruelty.

And then my Brother calls, Mom cried how mean I am, no one loves her and she is all alone. I told Brother what had happed.

As long as I did and acted as my Mother wanted, all was fine. But as soon as I dared to question her, or ask her to be understanding to others, I was a bad daughter. The minute she was not the center of attention she had a fit.

Pop, I tried. I tried harder than I thought I could to honor your wishes. I cannot do this any longer. She has pushed everyone away with her pettiness. I cannot keep the peace any longer. I cannot tolerate her abuse any longer. I took her mental and physical abuse for years and now I choose to end this, for my own sanity. So Pop, I am sorry. I'm sorry I let the family down, I am sorry I let you down, I just can't do this any longer.

Pop I miss you more now than ever. I wish you were here to keep me safe. I love you Debbie

For the rest, I will never speak to my Mother again. I tried to do the right thing, but when doing something "hurts" so badly, it is time to stop. Yes, it is mean, but it is healthy, healthy for me. I guess my brother will now have to take his turn taking care of her, I just cannot do it any longer. The past cannot be ignored. She has done some very CRUEL things to many people and I guess now she is just going to have to live with her actions.

I, too, had to make the hard decision to stop interacting with my family because of the ongoing abuse. You are not alone, nor are you mean. You are doing what normal people do; asserting YOUR GOD GIVEN RIGHT to not be abused. I don't know your Pop, but I bet he wouldn't want you to be miserable.

I spent about 5 years not talking to my family. When I felt I was more able to maintain my boundaries *I* re-initiated contact. Now, contact and content of that contact is done on my terms; if I feel like I'm being abused, I terminate the contact. Over the years my mother has learned when she's stepped over the line, and surprisingly has called to apologize on one occasion!

So, I applaud you for doing what is right for yourself. At some point in the future you may feel better prepared to interact with her, so don't fret and make this a "all or nothing" decision. For now, your Pop may have to be content with you being HAPPIER, which I'm sure he'd want for you with all his heart.

Take care.