Dr. L called last week to tell me that I'd tested really high I went through a whole range of emotions.

214 from 6/21. He wanted to know what was going on with me that day, but I was on vacation in Seaside OR, trying to forget that I had any problems at all. Funny how things come and drag you away from the lovely river in Egypt…

Part of me was very excited, part of me was very distressed. Yes, I know the MRI showed a tumor. Yes I know part of the beauty of the River is that it is a defense mechanism.

So, with the number I am closer to some sort of resolution.

I call my husband and cried after I got off the phone with Dr. L. This makes it more real, it means that it isn't a delusion, that it isn't a fabrication. I still don't know how I feel.

It is so hard, for so many reasons. I mean, on the one hand we desperately want answers, answers to why we have all these crazy symptoms. But unfortunately, the answers are as frightening as they come.

I don't want this, but I do. It's terrible, but wonderful sort of. It is validation. It is hope, but a hope that brings with it new fear. That number brings out new questions, new unknowns that I have to deal with. I know that other people have tread the road that lies ahead of me, and I am grateful that they are willing to share what they have seen and felt, willing to share their experiences both good and bad.

This number represents validation. Validation that this is real.

I too think that the testing is nearing an end. I feel that this is starting to speed-up, that it is becoming faster and faster. I know that my cycle is speeding up, and getting stronger at the same time. Like it's some sort of demented oscilloscope. There are some days where I feel like I'm going through a full cycle in a day. But I want this to stop.

I want it to stop, but I am afraid that once this get taken care of, that I'll be fixed in a place where I feel terrible. I am starting to recognize where I am, by how I feel. I have good and bad days, of course, but I'm afraid that I'll get "fixed" in a low state. I suppose we all have this same fear.

Damn, I'm crying at a stupid twilight zone episode. The low has started. I only hope that I don't have the same depths of lows as June. I ended up with my adrenals shutting. Ending up in the ER because it scared my son and he called 911.